"V" is for Vetri

I won't lie -- this is the meal I had been waiting for since the start of our yearly culinary journey. For various reasons, plans we had to go to Vetri -- once in 2007 and again in 2008 -- had ended in cancelled reservations. Again this year, after I got the date of our reservation confused, doom was looming. Fortunately, thanks to a flurry of cancellations, first from ex-coworkers I supposed to get together with and then from an unlucky party who found they too couldn't make it to Vetri when they initially thought they would, the restaurant was able to squeeze us (as I always assure the wife, it all works out in the end) at 6:45 p.m.

As the witching hour neared, I was very excited. Almost as excited as I get on Sunday afternoons in the fall at approximately 1 p.m. Almost as excited as I get when I hear that Bryan Adams is coming around in concert. Almost as excited as I get when I hear the words, "open bar." You get the idea. I had eaten very little all day to prepare my appetite. I had looked up the address (Vetri is surprisingly restrained from the outside with only a small sign outside what looks like a regular brownstone). I had my wardrobe all picked out. I was expecting big, big things from a culinary heavyweight in our city. I was ready.

Three hours later, I was stuffed. That's what 8 courses (or so) of food with 7 changes of silverware, 4 glasses of robust red wine, and a pair of pants about 1 size too tight do to me.

Many, many weeks before the wife and I stepped foot in Vetri, I knew we were going to get the Grand Tasting menu. It was one of those, "if you are going to go big, go all in" theories. And I will admit, I felt a surge of power when our waiter came over and asked, "Do you need me to explain anything on the menu?" and I responded, "Not tonight, chief. We're putting ourselves at your chef's mercy."

I was envisioning seared fois gras, wacky foam emulsions, caviar, truffles, sea cucumber, cockles, you name it. The weirder the better. And from that standpoint, I'd have to say I was a bit disappointed. There was nothing too terribly exotic that was placed in front of us, nothing that I hadn't seen or tried before it some form or another. Obviously, the combinations and presentation of dishes was unique, but I was hoping for lots of new culinary experiences and didn't get them. A minor complaint, for sure, but worth noting.

Ordering a tasting menu is an interesting concept. You truly have little power over what is placed in front of you. The wife gave our waiter a short list of her personal "don'ts" -- lamb, raw quails egg, anchovies -- but we otherwise were completely blind as to what would be served. It's actually pretty exciting as you sit there and wait to see what you will be served next.

Interestingly, for most of the courses, each party gets a different dish. I'd say of the 12 of so items put in front of us, 6 were individualized, which meant more to taste, which was great.

I don't pretend to remember everything we ate (alas, my photographic memory has failed me yet again), but here were some of the highlights:

• Lardo draped beignet (sort of a sugar donut with a thin shaving of fat on top of it). Sounds weird but you don't really taste the lardo.
• Cauliflower flan with a raw quail's egg. Delicious.
• Sweet onion tart. Very rich and powerful.
• Baby scallops with minced carrots and pineapple. Incredibly delicate and sweet.
• Spinach gnocchi in brown butter sauce. The sauce was a bit too rich, especially since it came in my next dish as well, but the gnocchi was incredibly silky and delicious.
• Rabbit tortellini. Cool presentation.
• Roasted skate with wild mushrooms. The mushrooms were particularly exceptional.

There were a few misses as well -- I could have done without the almond tortellini and the local veal served on a hot stone over a bed of rosemary was very dull. Our waitress kindly gave us an extra "entree" to try after seeing how unenthused we were about the veal, which was definitely appreciated.

Overall, though, it was hard to complain. A great meal in a great restaurant with great company. Are there things I would have changed about the evening? Sure (but that's how I am). Our table was so close to our neighbors that it was hard to have a private conversation. Some of the portions were a little too heavy (specifically, the wife got a massive portion of fettucine with wild boar ragu that was way, way too much for this sort of menu). The whole change of silverware for each course was a little much. Overall, though, while Vetri perhaps didn't quite meet the "best meal of my life" standards, it definitely didn't stray too far off the mark.

On to the full review...

THE FOOD: When you know you are going to have a huge meal, you have to mentally and physically prepare for it. Yes, the portions are usually going to be on the smallish size, but it wasn't as if these were single bite plates. The wife and I managed to finish everything, but I'm definitely glad they didn't have a scale we needed to step on on the way out.

THE DRINK: A lavish, expensive wine list. I expected no less.

THE STAFF: No complaints. The wife asked the sommelier lots of questions about the wine list, which he patiently answered. And our waitress did hook us up with an extra dish.

MAD PROPS FOR: The self-important douche sitting next to us trying to impress his bimbo date. As I said, the tables were very close together. I enjoy listening to idiots trying to talk to one another.

OVERALL: You know, this is a tough one. It was a great meal with lots of memorable dishes, but a small part can't help but be a little bit disappointed that we didn't get lots of lots of "Oh my God, this is amazing" dishes. The scallops, the spinach gnocchi, and the cauliflower flan were all stellar, and lots of other stuff was very yummy, but it wasn't as if we got anything really unexpectedly interesting. I guess I'm just too tough to please.

THE CHECK: If you need to ask, you can't afford it. Seriously, though, this is a once a year (2 years, 5 years) kind of thing.

On to the Ws...

With a little more than a month left in 2009, we'll have to pick up the pace a little bit down the stretch, but four restaurants in a little more than a month should not be too much of a challenge. It'll just take some good plannin and lots of writing. We'll git er done.

Ineligible restaurants for round 23...

• Warmdaddy's -- Back when I was in college, this was a cool jazz joint over near Old City. Now that it moved into a strip mall on Columbus Boulevard, it's not even close to being the same.
• White Dog Cafe -- I admire the dedication that the old owner, Judy Wicks, had to the city, but I was far from wowed the one time I went.
• William Penn Inn -- My first meal after becoming a man. Get your mind out of the gutter. It's where I had my Bar Mitzvah celebration. Sicko.
• Winnie's Le Bus -- A solid alternative to Honey's for Sunday brunch. Consistently good food, relatively short wait, and kid friendly.
• World's Cafe Live -- The best venue in the city to see a concert. The food is passable.

Candidates for round 23:

• Water Works Restaurant -- There was a huge PR surge when this restaurant down by the Art Museum opened up, but I frankly don't know anyone who has gone. I do read that Donovan McNabb is there a lot so I'll be sure to where my jersey. http://www.thewaterworksrestaurant.com/main.cfm
• Warsaw Cafe -- Pierogies, borscht, and vodka near Rittenhouse Square. http://www.warsawcafe.thekalon.com/
• Wine Thief Bistro -- My cousin friend is the chef at this interesting concept out near Chestnut Hill. http://www.winethiefbistro.com/
• The Witch -- Trick or treat. New age bistro in South Philly. http://www.thewitchbistro.com/

U is for Uzu Sushi

In a city of culinary behemoths (Stephen Starr, Jose Garces, etc.), it's sometimes nice to step back and recognize that the little guy still has a place in Philadelphia, tenuous as it may sometimes seem to be. These are people whose livelihood depends on their day to day flow of customers, the ones who stare at the door for hours and hours, hoping and praying for another customer to walk in the door. They try everything they can -- lowering prices, tweaking the menus, greeting customers with a free morsel of food or two -- just so they can stay alive for another week.

On average, I would guess that one restaurant in Philadelphia closes every day. Some close for good reasons -- the food is bad, the place is dirty, the menu is poorly thought out, the location sucks. Others just find that, though they do everything right, they simply can't compete with the big boys and it becomes financially unwise to stay open.

Which brings me to Uzu Sushi on the fridge of Old City, a very small sushi place that has been around for a few year but changed hands what looks like (in online reviews, at least) about a year ago. The new owner is the kind of guy you just have to root for -- he speaks in halting English and obviously only understands some of what you are asking him, but he is constantly checking in on you (which can be a little eerie, to be honest), and laughing when he thinks you are making a joke.

Uzu is perhaps the smallest restaurant I have ever been in, with a capacity of about 15 people. Maybe. We went on a Monday night, figuring that the crowd would probably be sparse. We were right. There was one person at the bar, but I got the sense that he either worked there or was related to the owner. Maybe it was because no one ever checked on him the whole time. So basically, we were the only customers there the whole time. Frankly, since it was such a random night, I was not surprised.

Uzu is sort of a romantic spot -- dimly lit, with "Enya lite" music in the background. But since you have to sit so close to the other tables, were there other customers, it would have been hard to have much privacy. I guess we lucked out there.

For such a small sushi joint, Uzu has a surprisingly large menu that compares to most other high-end places in town. As with lots of other sushi places, they give you a printout of all of the possible pieces of fish and roll combinations you can choose from, and you just mark off what you want and hand it back. If nothing else, it prevents confusion. You can also order combination platters, essentially choosing a number of pieces of basic sushi and/or sashimi with some more common rolls (ie, salmon/yellowtail). I certainly was impressed with the selection, although a bit wary. Since they obviously don't have a lot of turnover of customers and therefore product, I wondered how fresh their fish would be. Thankfully, it was an unfounded concern.

On to the full review...

THE FOOD: Admittedly, the pieces of sushi were not as large as I've gotten as other places. And being the only customers, you would think that, especially with two people preparing the sushi behind the counter, we would have been served quickly, but it did take them a while to get everything together for us. Still, I had few complaints about the taste and quality. We ordered quite a bit of sushi and sashimi and, with the exception of the octopus which was a bit chewier than usual, everything was excellent. My latest sushi quirk, sea urchin, which tastes sort of like fish custard (I know it sounds disgusting) was very, very creamy and very, very good.

THE DRINK: Uzu is a BYOB, which of course is great. We did have to pour our own wine (at least he opened it for us), but it wasn't a huge deal.

THE STAFF: As I said, the owner is just one of those people you have to root for. He isn't the greatest at service -- I often had to point out to him that I needed more water, and he kept waiting and waiting to give us the check when we were finished (I finally had to ask him). But he was very kind to us in general and had a good nature to him.

MAD PROPS FOR: When we finished our initial mound of sushi, which was preceded by a bowl of OK edamame, the owner made up a few special rolls for us. He had a hard time describing them to us beyond indicating that they were a lot of different types of fish thrown together. Still, we weren't about to complain. In my book, free food is good food.

OVERALL: Have I had better sushi before? Sure. Has there been better ambiance? Of course. Is this going to be a meal I remember for ages and ages? Probably not. But there is something very comforting knowing that a place like Uzu Sushi can survive in Philadelphia. With all the hubbub you hear about the latest splashy new space in the city, the little guy can easily get squeezed out. So when one of my co-workers asked me the day after our meal where she should take her dad for good sushi that night, I directed her to Uzu. I told her to tell the owner the goofy looking tall guy from last night had sent her. She said he laughed when he heard that. My little contribution to his life. My parents would be proud (OK, not really, but it sounds good).

THE CHECK: We dropped about $90 with tip. Considering how much food we ate, I was OK with that.

On to the Vs....

Ineligible restaurants for round 21:

• Vietnam Restaurant -- I remember going on a very unmemorable date here years ago.
• Vintage -- I really wish Vintage was better than it is. It has so much potential, but it just never quite nails it.

Candidates for round 21:

The wife and I have been waiting a long time to go to Vetri. Two cancelled trips (one in 2007 and another in 2008) make it the eligible restaurant I've been waiting to try since we started this journey back in November. No voting this round because I am making an executive decision. Plus, we made reservations 6 weeks ago.

"T" is for 10 Arts

On the night that the wife and I went to 10 Arts, I had just turned 35 years, 7 months, and 8 days old. And while I understand that, for some, time spent in my company is always a reason to celebrate (oh be quiet), I was caught a bit off guard when our waitress brought over my dessert with a candle stuck in the middle and a "Happy Birthday" chocolate on the plate.

Did they confuse our table with another? Was this some awkward mistake? Or did the mischevious wife simply try to play what she deems a humorous joke? Unfortunately for her, it was the latter, which means that sweet revenge will be forthcoming some day soon in some unexpected, vicious manner. It didn't help that our waitress must have said, "Happy birthday, Mr. Kober" at least 10 times before we left.

More likely than not, this encounter is going to be the only thing I remember about 10 Arts, which is dubbed as one of Philadelphia's "celebrity chef" restaurants. Its owner, Eric Ripert, is apparently a big name in the culinary world, with several well-known restaurants in other cities. One of its sous chefs, Jennifer Carroll, is on one of the many chef competitions on TV these days (Top Chef, I believe, though I wouldn't swear to it). With that sort of build-up, I am sure there are some pretty hefty expectations, but this just isn't a destination restaurant.

For starters, the setup of the place is so bizarre. I generally don't like hotel restaurants -- 10 Arts is inside the Ritz Carlton -- because they often feel so stilted. Often, the restaurants are inserted as an after-thought, a "let's see what we can jam into this dead space" kind of concept. That's exactly how 10 Arts feels. It's hard to tell when you walk into the Ritz lobby exactly where 10 Arts starts and where the lobby bar ends. The line separating the two is almost nonexistent. Plus, who wants the noise (and cheesy 80s music blaring overhead) when you are paying pretty hefty prices for a meal?

When we first arrived to the mostly empty restaurant (I'd say maybe 50% of tables were full at prime time on Thursday evening), they first tried sitting up near the invisible line separating the restaurant from the hotel bar. We nixed that and were given a table "behind the curtain" into what was a more defined restaurant space. It was better, but not great.

In addition to their regular menu, 10 Arts has a 3-course, $35 prix fix option. I am always a little bit leery about ordering off of these, as often I suspect the restaurant is simply trying to dump some of its less popular (or more profitable) dishes onto diners. However, since the appetizer I wanted (heirloom corn chowder) was on the menu, as well as one of the entrees I was considering (Pennsylvania trout with baby bok choy), I figured it was the best deal I was going to get.

The first few spoonfuls of the corn chowder were very good -- they didn't skimp on the portions and there were good chunks of corn and potato in there (though no creme fraiche as the menu promised from what I could tell). However, as I ate more and more, the saltiness became overpowering. The wife noticed it immediately and told me so, which may have contributed to my observation. Still, it wasn't bad, just not great.

The entree was another story. Trout, in and of itself, is not incredibly flavorful. It is very much a blue collar fish that needs to be spiced up with accompanying spices, a sauce, a side dish, something. Unfortunately, the trout here, which both the wife and I ordered, was simply that, trout presented on its own. As with the soup, they presented two hearty filets, so they didn't skimp on the portions, but it just wasn't very interesting to eat. The bok choy was drowned in butter -- yuck.

Dessert was the best part of the meal, aside from the surprise happy birthday acknowledgement (thank God they didn't sing). The carrot cake was awesome and they gave us several small bites of other desserts on the side, which was very nice. Alas, they gave us so much lesser food earlier that I couldn't enjoy them as much as I could. Oh well.

On to the detailed review...

THE FOOD: The menu itself at 10 Arts was a pretty big disappointment. With this kind of chef superpower, I was hoping to see entrees prepared in unusual ways, but it was a lot of same old, same old hotel restaurant blah. Steak, chicken, fish, pasta... snooze snooze snooze. Plus, with the prices, it was hard to justify going "off the board" to splurge for a $35 striped bass or bouillabaisse.

THE DRINK: High markups on the wine. I paid $11 for an awful glass of chardonnay.

THE STAFF: Now, if it really had been my birthday, I guess I would have appreciated the efforts of the waitress constantly remarking on that fact. Otherwise, the service itself was OK. One of the busboys looked oddly out of place -- he was dressed differently than most and seemed much older than everyone else -- but nothing else here of note.

MAD PROPS FOR: Not much. I can't say there was too much remarkable about the meal.

OVERALL: 10 Arts reminds me why I generally avoid hotel restaurants. There have been exceptions -- a fantastic place in San Francisco called Ame is inside a boutique hotel -- but generally, I don't expect much from hotel restaurants, especially when they are just jammed in after the fact. Look, the Ritz didn't design itself to house a restaurant on the ground floor from the looks of things (I have no idea what was there before 10 Arts) and putting what is supposed to be a high-end joint there just seems very out of place.

THE CHECK: Not cheap. $125 for the two of us, and we only had one glass of wine and both of us stuck to the prix fix. Definitely not someplace I will be going back to.

Ineligible restaurants for round 20...

• Umai Umai -- I was pretty jazzed when a new sushi place came to our neighborhood, and I didn't dislike it when I tried it. The wife, however, got a little skeeved out by the live eel they were cutting up as we sat there and we haven't been back since. I would go again, though.
• Urban Saloon -- Another local joint, though this is not much of a food place. I have heard that things have gotten better, but it's still a bar first and restaurant second. They do very good business though.

Candidates for round 20

• Union Trust -- Frankly, I am surprised Union Trust is still around as a fighter in the steakhouse wars. I have been told it is gorgeous inside, to align with the prices. http://www.uniontruststeakhouse.com/
• Upstares at Varalli -- I have walked by this Broad Street restaurant many, many times, but have never been in. Perhaps it's because of the stupid way they spell "Upstares." http://www.varalliusa.com/
• Uzu Sushi -- A tiny hole in the wall (less than 20 seats) in a sushi joint with a decent reputation). http://www.uzuphilly.com/
• Umbria -- Fine dining in Mount Airy. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/umbria/

"S" is for Sweet Lucy's Smokehouse

In many parts of the country -- Memphis, the Carolinas, Texas -- barbecue is king. Now, they all have their own internal spats about whose is better -- wet vs. dry rub, tangy vs. smoky -- which can get pretty emotional. I have read plenty about these national barbecue competitions where the competitors rig up some sort of elaborate contraption in which to cook their meat and then break down in tears if they don't win. It's all very macho.

And yet, for all that Philly does well food-wise, it's been mostly a barbecue graveyard. There have been a few mediocre places that have come and gone -- I'm reminded of a place I actually liked in the Symphony House (or thereabouts) that was here and gone within a matter of months. Recently, however, there have been rumblings about real barbecue coming into Center City from real chefs with real reputations. Alas, I'll believe it when I see it.

In the meantime, we're left with some reputable joints dotting the outer ring of the city, such as Sweet Lucy's Smokehouse. It's about a 20-25 minute drive from downtown straight up 95N off the Cottman Ave. exit. It's actually quite easy to find, though not so easy to figure out how to get back on the interstate once you are done eating. Regardless, it's not a whole lot to look at -- it looks sort of like a big warehouse with a parking lot attached.

Inside, it's pretty much no frills as well -- the menu is on a few chalkboards up front to look at before you order. It's pretty much barbecue as you would expect it -- ribs, pork, chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, baked beans, etc. You go up to the counter, put in your order, and wait a few minutes to be called. No waitresses, no frills, no unrealistic costs. And that was all fine with me -- I love myself ribs and pulled pork sandwiches, at least when they are done well. I don't need the fancy frills, just the good food. And Sweet Lucy's proved to be worth the drive.

I fought getting a pulled pork sandwich and ended up splitting a full rack of ribs with the wife. They came with two sides of our choice (we went with mashed sweet potatoes and baked beans). The ribs were not the best I had ever had -- a little too much on the dry side, but they were pretty meaty and slathered with some very good barbecue sauce. The potatoes were OK, as were the beans. The best part of the meal may have been the homemade cornbread -- it was really, really good. Very flaky and buttery. Plus, they gave each of us a big piece. Overall, though, it was hearty, no nonsense barbecue. It wasn't quite on par with my favorite of adulthood -- Dinosaur Barbecue -- that I wrote up months ago, but it was not a bad local substitute. Just proves that leaving the city for a good meal can sometimes be worth it.

On to the full review...

THE FOOD: Not to be nitpicky (OK, to be nitpicky), but tasty side dishes should be a given at a barbecue joint. Especially with core ones like baked beans. As with other barbecue favorites, I love good baked beans (one of my favorite things to make) and Sweet Lucy's just came up a little empty. It didn't detract too much from the overall meal, but it would have been a nice closing touch if they were better.

THE DRINK: Water and soda. It's not a drinking establishment.

THE STAFF: They confused our potatoes initially (I should have picked up on it when I was asked if I wanted gravy with my potatoes, but I wasn't quite swift enough), but they substituted the sweet for the white potatoes without a question. The girl who took our order was nice enough to explain how the menu works to the wife, as well.

MAD PROPS FOR: Two things. First of all, they had a self serve cauldron of extra rib mop sauce that you could use to douse your ribs in if you so desire. And I so desired. Secondly, they had a roll of paper towel on a stand at every table. Look, when you eat barbecue, you are going to get messy. Why bother with dainty napkins? I would have loved wet naps at the end of the meal, but I didn't see any around. Oh well.

OVERALL: Tucked away as it is, it's easy to wonder where Sweet Lucy's gets its business from. Do people drive from the city or is mostly a neighborhood joint? It was hard to tell from the clientele, which was a mix of young and old. If you are a barbecue afficianado, Sweet Lucy's is worth the drive, thought it's not a "OH MY GOD, THIS IS FANTASTIC!" place. It's good, inexpensive, quality, quick food. We were in and out in about 35-40 minutes.

THE CHECK: $28.50 total. That's the upside of no wait staff.

On to the Ts...

Ineligible restaurants for round 19:

• Table 31 -- There was incredible hype around Table 31 when it opened in the Comcast Building a little more than a year ago. I had a very underwhelming meal there and the shine has definitely worn off. I wouldn't be surprised if it shutters its doors one of these days soon.
• Tampopo -- A favorite lunch stop of mine near the office. There are actually at least three branches open now, including one in West Philly. The bi bim bom is excellent.
• Ten Stone -- A step above a dive bar, but not a big step.
• TGI Friday's -- I'm not embarassed to admit that Friday's was gourmet cuisine to me when I was younger.
• Tierra Colombiana -- If you want a pricey meal in a very sketchy neighborhood, Tierra Colombiana is your place. Just don't forget to lock your car doors. And honestly, the food isn't that great either.
• Tiffin -- What an impact Tiffin has had on the Philly delivery scene. Still the best Indian food you can order over the phone and have at your door in an hour or two.
• Tinto -- The second of Jose Garces' gleaming jewels. The layout is odd (definitely sit upstairs) but the food is interesting and yummy.
• Trio -- I have no clue how this Fairmount joint is still open. Really bad location and really mediocre food.
• Twenty Manning -- Perhaps my favorite upscale place for a drink. The chairs are very cool.

Candidates for round 19:

• Taqueria La Veracruzana -- One of a handful of Mexican joints down by the Italian Market with a good reputation. http://www.taqueriaveracruzana.com/
• 10 Arts -- Big name chef Eric Ripert's first entree into Philadelphia near the theatres. http://www.10arts.com/
• Time -- It's known more for its weekend party atmosphere and bizarre drinks. but they also have a relatively ambitous menu. http://www.timerestaurant.net/
• Tony Luke's -- I can't believe I have never eaten at Tony Luke's (not even the one in Citizen's Bank). But can it possibly live up to John's Roast Pork? http://www.tonylukes.com/

"R" is for Restaurant School at Walnut Hill College

When I left the doldrums of the world (sorry Yumans and Decaturites) to move back to Philly going on 8 years ago, one of the first things I wanted to do was the enroll in cooking classes. Now, I was very specific about what I wanted. I didn't want one of those suburban housewife classes where you sit at a counter and watch some surly schmuck cook a meal and then hand out recipes afterward. But I also wasn't about to enroll in an actual culinary school where I would be graded. I wanted a casual, yet instructive, hands-on course.

As I have told many people over the years, the classes I took at the Restaurant School at Walnut Hill College were a perfect choice for me. They weren't necessarily cheap (about $300 for a 6-class series) but they were definitely worth the money. I learned how to debone a chicken, filet a fish, make ravioli, and lots of other very useful skills. Not only that, but the amount of food we ate and took home as leftovers was astounding (as long as you remembered to bring Tupperware).

For all that, though, I had never actually eaten a meal in one of the Restaurant School's working restaurants, even though I had hounded the wife and others for years about it. Finally, on Thursday night, we went.

The Restaurant School has 4 different working restaurants -- an international theme, a Continential theme, an Italian theme, and a Great Chefs theme. The menus are relatively ambitious and the prices are very reasonable. We went to the international restaurant and paid $21 for a 3-course meal. Plus, you will never find wine as cheap as that which exists on the school's wine list -- there were FULL BOTTLES for $15. The average bottle was about $20-25. For someone used to seeing ridiculous 200% markups, it was a striking change.

Now, that said, there is a reason for the affordability. The wait staff are students, the chefs are students -- basically, it is a teaching restaurant. Our waitress was right out of high school and probably had never waited on a table in her life. It's funny how you notice little things rookie waitresses do wrong that you take for granted in "real" restaurants -- forgetting silverware, always sliding the soup bowl onto the floor, failing to check in on the quality of the food while they are receiving instruction from their instructor. These are all things that may be unforgivable (or at least annoying) at a 3-star restaurant, but it's almost cute in this setting.

As for the food? Again, not surprisingly, hit and miss, especially for the first week of the semester. The wife went with the pumpkin soup (yum), hangar steak (yuck), and a red velvet torte (yum). I took chances with the rabbit rilletes (OK, tasted like tuna), monkfish (pretty good), and bread pudding (yum). Frankly, I was expecting to have to send one or more dishes back to the kitchen, but the wife was the only one to have a "return to sender" item when her steak was undercooked.

On to the full review...

THE FOOD: You'd think that, with students manning the kitchen, the menu would be small and simple. Not true. We had 6 appetizers, 6 entrees, and 10 or so desserts to choose from. And that was only in one of the four restaurants (that said, there were all of 4 other customers in all of the restaurants combined on a fall Thursday evening so it's not like the kitchen was slammed). The dishes are not simple to execute so the aspiring chefs presumably are learning techniques. Yes, you are, to some degree, a guinea pig so there is always going to be some trepidation about biting into a new dish, but the wife and I were both fine. It wasn't a great meal by any meals, but it was not awful either.

THE DRINK: I already mentioned the wine list. It really is something to behold. As with the menu, there are lots and lots of options (probably 100+ wines in total), all of which are cheap. We ended up getting 2 glasses of wine, $5.50 each. A whole bottle would barely have been more, but it was a school night so I had to stay somewhat sober. I also got coffee after dinner. It cost $1. That is right -- one dollar. Amazing.

THE STAFF: Our primary waitress, who aspires to "own my own restaurant" was sweet. She's learning. We had a couple other student waiters and waitresses stop by as well. No major issues.

MAD PROPS FOR: The decor. These are really very beautiful spaces, intricately decorated with a very nice ambiance. That said, it was FFFFRRREEEEZING in there. Our waitress informed us that she had been told it's even worse in the wintertime. Bring a jacket I guess.

OVERALL: Hmm, this is a tough one. I mean, you definitely do get value for your money and it's not as if the food was bad, but I don't know that I'd rush back, especially early in a semester. Maybe later in the year when the students are a little more seasoned, I'd be more apt to return.

THE CHECK: $61 for 2, with tip. We were told all customer tips get pooled together and, at the end of the semester, the students all go out for a blowout meal. Not sure how true that is, but it sounded good.

OK, enough with being a nice, patient eater, back to being a demanding, harsh critic. On to the Ss...

Ineligible restaurants for round 18:

• Sabrina's Cafe -- Some people swear by Sabrina's as their go-to brunch spot. After one horrible experience with a hostess, I'll never look at it the same way. Besides, it's no Honey's.
• Salt and Pepper -- Cute, small BYOB in Queen's Village. They seem to have their fair share of these.
• Sang Kee Peking Duck House -- I love my peking duck and this is the best version I've tried in Philly's Chinatown.
• Serrano -- They have a weird deal where if you eat dinner at Serrano, you get preferred seating upstairs for concerts at the Tin Angel. Good thing for the restaurant, because it stinks and there is no reason to go otherwise.
• Silk City -- Hip, diner-like joint in Northern Liberties. Straightforward grease and fat. When you're in the mood...
• Standard Tap -- Perhaps Philly's first gastropub, still a great spot to eat, especially outside on the patio in the summertime. I love that the menu is on chalkboards throughout the restaurant. Cool touch.
• Supper -- Went here for my birthday 2 years ago. Some people really liked it. It was OK, but I haven't rushed back.
• Swanky Bubbles -- Went here for our anniversary this year. We were the only people in the restaurant, and it's not exactly a small place. It was really, really uncomfortable, although I will say the food was yummy.

Candidates for round 18:

• Saute -- One of those many BYOB's in Queen Village opened by the former chef at Alma de Cuba. http://sauteonline.com/
• Shank Original -- This Italian Market stalwart, which used to be called Shank and Evelyn's Luncheonette, has moved to 15th and Sansom. Supposed to a down and dirty joint, just the way I like it. http://www.shanksoriginal.com/
• Simon Pearce on the Brandywine - It's been many years since I have been to West Chester (talk about a suburb that is hard to get to). This is supposed to be one of their best restaurants. http://www.simonpearce.com/CSTM_restaurantsWindsor1.aspx
• Sweet Lucy's Smokehouse -- We'll try another BBQ joint, this one up in the Northeast. Supposed to be top notch. http://www.sweetlucys.com/
  

"Wildcard" is for Memphis Taproom

There are a few things that, in my mind, should be a given when you walk into a restaurant. A host or hostess should acknowledge your presence within a minute or two. Silverware and plates should be clean, or at least close to it. And (this is a big pet peeve) water should be cold, refilled regularly, and be drinkable. What can I say, I drink a lot of water.

Based on this simple final criteria, Memphis Taproom was doomed from the start. Not only was the water warm (not tepid, not lukewarm, I mean, it was warm on a 95-degree evening), not only was there no ice anywhere to be seen in any water glass on any table, not only did our waitress fail to refill our water glasses after our mouths were scalded with a scorched appetizer, but the water tasted disgusting. Fail fail fail.

I had read great things about this hip, upscale pub anchoring the revitalization of Fishtown. The beer selection was good (hard to screw that up) and the menu was, well, different. It was very vegetarian friendly and had some weird sandwiches on it (seitan, anyone?). I wasn't expecting that.

After our grouchy waitress flubbed her description of the menu, the wife and I went first for the deep-fried pickles, one of those "can't miss" offerings I had read good things about. It's weird and it's different, but that's often the best stuff.

Now, I will give our waitress enough credit that she warned us they were incredibly hot and probably shouldn't be eaten without a knife and fork. That was definitely true. Unfortunately, that didn't save my mouth from blistering. Two days later, and I can still feel the remnants of that appetizer. They actually tasted OK for about half a second before my gums started bleeded, but that is hardly consolation. I was panting wanting cold water, but when we finally got our waitress's attention, it was another round of warm Schuykill. Gross.

It didn't get much better. My sandwich, a grilled mushroom grinder with other vegetables and cheese, was 99% bread and 1% substance. Really? It is really that hard to give people their money's worth? I was disgusted. I ate half the sandwich and put the rest aside. "Would you like that wrapped, sir?" "Um, no. I wouldn't feed that to the mouse that rummages through our kitchen from time to time."

Oh well. On to the full review...

THE FOOD: Look, I would understand if the pickles were overdone or the sandwich was sparse or the waitress was a bitch, and then chalk it up to an off night. But I'm sorry, when everything crashes at once, that's the sign of a restaurant I wouldn't ever dare eat at again.

THE DRINK: The beer list was extensive. I guess it'd be OK to drink here.

THE STAFF: "Gee, let's find the most unfriendly, slovenly bitch in the neighborhood and make her the ONLY waitress in the dining area. Yeah, yeah, that'll work."

MAD PROPS FOR: They did have something written on the menu that said something like "If something goes wrong, don't go complaining about it on your blog." I kid you not. Oops.

OVERALL: Hated it. Worse meal of this series. It started pouring rain about 3/4 of the way through our meal. Gee, think that was an omen?

THE CHECK: $42. The tip wasn't exactly generous.

Ineligible restaurants for round 18:

• Radicchio -- Nice, casual, neighborhoody joint. It's a place that is easy to go back to when you live right around the corner (not that I do mind you, but I know someone who does).
• Rae -- There was a lot of buzz about this Daniel Stern creation when it opened in the Cira Centre. The space was gorgeous and the prices matched.
• Raw Sushi & Sake Lounge -- The best sushi in the city. The best men's bathroom in the city. One of the best outdoor lounges in the city. Raw is a definite personal family favorite.
• Rembrandt's -- A Fairmount stalwart, which means I have eaten many meals here. Stick to the Paesano's burger, a healthy beef patty with fries and balsalmic aoili, and you can't go wrong. Veer in other directions and I make no promises.
• Rose Tattoo Cafe -- Such a weird restaurant. It's unbelievably stuck in the '70s and it just so ugly from the exterior. Yuck.
• Roy's -- Chain seafood at its worst.
• Rx -- Cool concept with some good brunch food. Only ate here once, but I liked it.

Candidates for round 18:

• Ralph's -- Perhaps the classic South Philly Italian restaurant. www.ralphsrestaurant.com
• Restaurant School at Walnut Hill College -- As the wife will tell you, I have probably mentioned that I wanted to go to dinner here at least 25 times since we've met, but for whatever reason, plans always fall through. They have a few working restaurants open to the public that are run by students. http://www.walnuthillcollege.com/restaurants2009.asp
• Restaurant M -- Classic French in the Morris House Hotel. Just reopened after a 2-year hiatus. Mainly drinks, but a few snacky type options as well. www.morrishousehotel.com
• Ron's Ribs -- Highly recommended by a man who knows his food as the best BBQ in the city. philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/rons-ribs/

"P" is for Parc

Jack Nicholson sat two tables to our right flanked by not one by two gorgeous twenty-something women (you go, Jack!). Owen Wilson was in the section behind us curiously eating alone (but fending off the advances of numerous scatily-clan clientele). Reese Witherspoon was with her husband and kids eating at the bar (and largely being left alone). Just another night at Parc, the place to be seen in Rittenhouse Square.

Now for everyone who just screamed, "Oh my God, you ate in the company of all of those celebrities! Did you talk to any of them?" you really need to stop being so gullible. None of them were actually in attendance (far as I know). But from all you read about Parc in the papers, it sure seems that they should have been. Next to Davio's, Parc is Philly's leading celebrity magnet, and with the movies currently filming in town, I suspect a lot of people were there on this warm Thursday night hoping to catch a glimpse of stardom. And while I admit my head was on a swivel looking around for a recognizable face or two -- alas, I only saw a local TV talking head buried in the corner of the bar with friends -- I was just hoping for a tasty morsel or two after a lackluster 4 nights in Vegas (talk about overpriced, mediocre food -- thank God I was on the company expense account).

Parc bills itself as an upscale French bistro, and it certainly has attained the proper look. All of the bells and whistles are there -- from the neatly tiled floor to the large streaked windows on the wall, to the general color palate within the restaurant. It's a neat looking place with the added benefit of being on the prime square of real estate in Center City over Rittenhouse Square, which means lots of opportunities to watch the pretty people walk by. The competition for outside tables is pretty fierce -- it was about a 45-minute wait at 8 p.m. on a Thursday night. Since we were pretty hungry, we headed inside, but still got a good spot to see what was going on around us.

Alas, in the words of the wife, the food was "just OK." There are a lot of unique, bold choices on the menu, particularly as far as appetizers are concerned. Escargot, grilled sardines, an onion tart with anchovies, etc. The wife was in a giving mood, and seeing how much I wanted to delve into something different, she let me get the steak tartare with quail's egg. Served with a couple pieces of crunchy bread, it was quite good. Steak tartare really isn't as scary as it sounds -- I don't know how to describe the texture adequately, but while yes, it is raw meat chopped finely, it doesn't taste raw (if that makes any sense). That said, it's not one of those items that I would order just anywhere. You have to have at least a little faith that the quality is going to be there, and at Parc, it was. No qualms from me, and the wife didn't get green gilled after trying it, so that says something.

Unfortunately, the meal took a quick downhill spiral when the entrees came out. I took a shot for the Thursday night special, the rouget en barigoule -- essentially, red mullet in fish stock with artichokes and olives. It was bland, bland, bland. Every bite tasted like wet artichokes, and that's not exactly a wonderful flavor, especially for $28. The wife fared somewhat better with her seared scallops, but they weren't exactly generous with her portion -- three medium-sized scallops for $24.

And that's a lot of my problem with places like Parc. They know they are going to pack in the moneyed folk to gawk and they consequently tend to soak them for every penny with average food. The focus of these places are not necessarily on the flavor, it's on ambiance and romance and design. And that's fine for some folks who like to be whooshed off their feet by their surroundings, but I'd take a shack on the corner with great food anytime over a multi-million dollar venue with just average vittles.

Alas. On to the full details...

THE FOOD: The highlight of the meal was dessert, a carmelized apple tart with vanilla ice cream. It was a little bit hard to eat, but worth every effort. I do have to note some of the weird parts of the menu though that stood out. Most appetizers and entrees were very French, as they should have been, and I can understand throwing a cheeseburger on there for the non-adventurous or the children. But spaghetti bolognese? Really?

THE DRINK: A huge bar means a huge wine list (and of course, huge prices). I had a $11 glass of Bordeaux Blanc from Chateau la Frenelle, which, I must say, was excellent. I could have drank a lot more of it. I'll keep an eye out for it next time I make a Jersey wine run.

THE STAFF: Nothing special. It's a loud, crowded place not really conducive to talking with your waiter about the menu. We didn't have any problems with the staff per se, so I'll reserve much in the way of comment here.

MAD PROPS FOR: I always like seeing how restaurants design their bathrooms and Parc was indeed a bit unique. The walls in the men's room were covered with rather risque pictures of nekkid women -- some of them I looked at and said, "Really?" I understand the art of it all, but some of it was quite provacative. Geez, I sound like a stuffy old man. What I meant to say was, "Awesome! Totally awesome!"

OVERALL: I am not into the whole Rittenhouse Square trio of restaurants -- Rouge, Devon, and Parc. I mean, the views are great and the spaces are huge, but you rarely get what you are paying for (except for the night where I witnessed an impromptu striptease at the bar at Bleu that was quite, um, titilating. Another story for another time). I wouldn't be against going back to Parc for Happy Hour or something, but I'm not interested in another meal there. Sorry, Reese and Owen. You can eat without me.

THE CHECK: $120 for two, with tip. I wuz robbed.

On to the... oh wait, there aren't enough Qs to go around. That means it's time for the wild card round! In the wild card round, we'll bring back some of the "almost" winners from earlier competitions and pit them against each other in the lucky losers bracket. Rules are the same as always -- most votes win.

Since we've been pretty Rittenhouse-centric the last few times out, this entry's choices are all on the inner rings of the city, but not smack dab in the middle. I feel the need to change things up.

Candidates for round 17:

• Cafe de Laos -- In the Thai section of South Philly. A little less bizaare than some of the others nearby. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=31450
• Earth Bread + Brewery -- A new gastropub in Mount Airy that has gotten some good pub. http://earthbreadbrewery.com/
• Marigold Kitchen -- Admittedly, I have been to Marigold, but it was several years ago before they changed chefs and concepts. It's a totally different restaurant now, so it qualifies. http://marigoldkitchenbyob.com/
• Memphis Taproom -- Another new joint that has gotten a lot of good publicity. A twist on pub food out in Fishtown. http://www.memphistaproom.com/