"Wildcard" is for Memphis Taproom

There are a few things that, in my mind, should be a given when you walk into a restaurant. A host or hostess should acknowledge your presence within a minute or two. Silverware and plates should be clean, or at least close to it. And (this is a big pet peeve) water should be cold, refilled regularly, and be drinkable. What can I say, I drink a lot of water.

Based on this simple final criteria, Memphis Taproom was doomed from the start. Not only was the water warm (not tepid, not lukewarm, I mean, it was warm on a 95-degree evening), not only was there no ice anywhere to be seen in any water glass on any table, not only did our waitress fail to refill our water glasses after our mouths were scalded with a scorched appetizer, but the water tasted disgusting. Fail fail fail.

I had read great things about this hip, upscale pub anchoring the revitalization of Fishtown. The beer selection was good (hard to screw that up) and the menu was, well, different. It was very vegetarian friendly and had some weird sandwiches on it (seitan, anyone?). I wasn't expecting that.

After our grouchy waitress flubbed her description of the menu, the wife and I went first for the deep-fried pickles, one of those "can't miss" offerings I had read good things about. It's weird and it's different, but that's often the best stuff.

Now, I will give our waitress enough credit that she warned us they were incredibly hot and probably shouldn't be eaten without a knife and fork. That was definitely true. Unfortunately, that didn't save my mouth from blistering. Two days later, and I can still feel the remnants of that appetizer. They actually tasted OK for about half a second before my gums started bleeded, but that is hardly consolation. I was panting wanting cold water, but when we finally got our waitress's attention, it was another round of warm Schuykill. Gross.

It didn't get much better. My sandwich, a grilled mushroom grinder with other vegetables and cheese, was 99% bread and 1% substance. Really? It is really that hard to give people their money's worth? I was disgusted. I ate half the sandwich and put the rest aside. "Would you like that wrapped, sir?" "Um, no. I wouldn't feed that to the mouse that rummages through our kitchen from time to time."

Oh well. On to the full review...

THE FOOD: Look, I would understand if the pickles were overdone or the sandwich was sparse or the waitress was a bitch, and then chalk it up to an off night. But I'm sorry, when everything crashes at once, that's the sign of a restaurant I wouldn't ever dare eat at again.

THE DRINK: The beer list was extensive. I guess it'd be OK to drink here.

THE STAFF: "Gee, let's find the most unfriendly, slovenly bitch in the neighborhood and make her the ONLY waitress in the dining area. Yeah, yeah, that'll work."

MAD PROPS FOR: They did have something written on the menu that said something like "If something goes wrong, don't go complaining about it on your blog." I kid you not. Oops.

OVERALL: Hated it. Worse meal of this series. It started pouring rain about 3/4 of the way through our meal. Gee, think that was an omen?

THE CHECK: $42. The tip wasn't exactly generous.

Ineligible restaurants for round 18:

• Radicchio -- Nice, casual, neighborhoody joint. It's a place that is easy to go back to when you live right around the corner (not that I do mind you, but I know someone who does).
• Rae -- There was a lot of buzz about this Daniel Stern creation when it opened in the Cira Centre. The space was gorgeous and the prices matched.
• Raw Sushi & Sake Lounge -- The best sushi in the city. The best men's bathroom in the city. One of the best outdoor lounges in the city. Raw is a definite personal family favorite.
• Rembrandt's -- A Fairmount stalwart, which means I have eaten many meals here. Stick to the Paesano's burger, a healthy beef patty with fries and balsalmic aoili, and you can't go wrong. Veer in other directions and I make no promises.
• Rose Tattoo Cafe -- Such a weird restaurant. It's unbelievably stuck in the '70s and it just so ugly from the exterior. Yuck.
• Roy's -- Chain seafood at its worst.
• Rx -- Cool concept with some good brunch food. Only ate here once, but I liked it.

Candidates for round 18:

• Ralph's -- Perhaps the classic South Philly Italian restaurant. www.ralphsrestaurant.com
• Restaurant School at Walnut Hill College -- As the wife will tell you, I have probably mentioned that I wanted to go to dinner here at least 25 times since we've met, but for whatever reason, plans always fall through. They have a few working restaurants open to the public that are run by students. http://www.walnuthillcollege.com/restaurants2009.asp
• Restaurant M -- Classic French in the Morris House Hotel. Just reopened after a 2-year hiatus. Mainly drinks, but a few snacky type options as well. www.morrishousehotel.com
• Ron's Ribs -- Highly recommended by a man who knows his food as the best BBQ in the city. philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/rons-ribs/

"P" is for Parc

Jack Nicholson sat two tables to our right flanked by not one by two gorgeous twenty-something women (you go, Jack!). Owen Wilson was in the section behind us curiously eating alone (but fending off the advances of numerous scatily-clan clientele). Reese Witherspoon was with her husband and kids eating at the bar (and largely being left alone). Just another night at Parc, the place to be seen in Rittenhouse Square.

Now for everyone who just screamed, "Oh my God, you ate in the company of all of those celebrities! Did you talk to any of them?" you really need to stop being so gullible. None of them were actually in attendance (far as I know). But from all you read about Parc in the papers, it sure seems that they should have been. Next to Davio's, Parc is Philly's leading celebrity magnet, and with the movies currently filming in town, I suspect a lot of people were there on this warm Thursday night hoping to catch a glimpse of stardom. And while I admit my head was on a swivel looking around for a recognizable face or two -- alas, I only saw a local TV talking head buried in the corner of the bar with friends -- I was just hoping for a tasty morsel or two after a lackluster 4 nights in Vegas (talk about overpriced, mediocre food -- thank God I was on the company expense account).

Parc bills itself as an upscale French bistro, and it certainly has attained the proper look. All of the bells and whistles are there -- from the neatly tiled floor to the large streaked windows on the wall, to the general color palate within the restaurant. It's a neat looking place with the added benefit of being on the prime square of real estate in Center City over Rittenhouse Square, which means lots of opportunities to watch the pretty people walk by. The competition for outside tables is pretty fierce -- it was about a 45-minute wait at 8 p.m. on a Thursday night. Since we were pretty hungry, we headed inside, but still got a good spot to see what was going on around us.

Alas, in the words of the wife, the food was "just OK." There are a lot of unique, bold choices on the menu, particularly as far as appetizers are concerned. Escargot, grilled sardines, an onion tart with anchovies, etc. The wife was in a giving mood, and seeing how much I wanted to delve into something different, she let me get the steak tartare with quail's egg. Served with a couple pieces of crunchy bread, it was quite good. Steak tartare really isn't as scary as it sounds -- I don't know how to describe the texture adequately, but while yes, it is raw meat chopped finely, it doesn't taste raw (if that makes any sense). That said, it's not one of those items that I would order just anywhere. You have to have at least a little faith that the quality is going to be there, and at Parc, it was. No qualms from me, and the wife didn't get green gilled after trying it, so that says something.

Unfortunately, the meal took a quick downhill spiral when the entrees came out. I took a shot for the Thursday night special, the rouget en barigoule -- essentially, red mullet in fish stock with artichokes and olives. It was bland, bland, bland. Every bite tasted like wet artichokes, and that's not exactly a wonderful flavor, especially for $28. The wife fared somewhat better with her seared scallops, but they weren't exactly generous with her portion -- three medium-sized scallops for $24.

And that's a lot of my problem with places like Parc. They know they are going to pack in the moneyed folk to gawk and they consequently tend to soak them for every penny with average food. The focus of these places are not necessarily on the flavor, it's on ambiance and romance and design. And that's fine for some folks who like to be whooshed off their feet by their surroundings, but I'd take a shack on the corner with great food anytime over a multi-million dollar venue with just average vittles.

Alas. On to the full details...

THE FOOD: The highlight of the meal was dessert, a carmelized apple tart with vanilla ice cream. It was a little bit hard to eat, but worth every effort. I do have to note some of the weird parts of the menu though that stood out. Most appetizers and entrees were very French, as they should have been, and I can understand throwing a cheeseburger on there for the non-adventurous or the children. But spaghetti bolognese? Really?

THE DRINK: A huge bar means a huge wine list (and of course, huge prices). I had a $11 glass of Bordeaux Blanc from Chateau la Frenelle, which, I must say, was excellent. I could have drank a lot more of it. I'll keep an eye out for it next time I make a Jersey wine run.

THE STAFF: Nothing special. It's a loud, crowded place not really conducive to talking with your waiter about the menu. We didn't have any problems with the staff per se, so I'll reserve much in the way of comment here.

MAD PROPS FOR: I always like seeing how restaurants design their bathrooms and Parc was indeed a bit unique. The walls in the men's room were covered with rather risque pictures of nekkid women -- some of them I looked at and said, "Really?" I understand the art of it all, but some of it was quite provacative. Geez, I sound like a stuffy old man. What I meant to say was, "Awesome! Totally awesome!"

OVERALL: I am not into the whole Rittenhouse Square trio of restaurants -- Rouge, Devon, and Parc. I mean, the views are great and the spaces are huge, but you rarely get what you are paying for (except for the night where I witnessed an impromptu striptease at the bar at Bleu that was quite, um, titilating. Another story for another time). I wouldn't be against going back to Parc for Happy Hour or something, but I'm not interested in another meal there. Sorry, Reese and Owen. You can eat without me.

THE CHECK: $120 for two, with tip. I wuz robbed.

On to the... oh wait, there aren't enough Qs to go around. That means it's time for the wild card round! In the wild card round, we'll bring back some of the "almost" winners from earlier competitions and pit them against each other in the lucky losers bracket. Rules are the same as always -- most votes win.

Since we've been pretty Rittenhouse-centric the last few times out, this entry's choices are all on the inner rings of the city, but not smack dab in the middle. I feel the need to change things up.

Candidates for round 17:

• Cafe de Laos -- In the Thai section of South Philly. A little less bizaare than some of the others nearby. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=31450
• Earth Bread + Brewery -- A new gastropub in Mount Airy that has gotten some good pub. http://earthbreadbrewery.com/
• Marigold Kitchen -- Admittedly, I have been to Marigold, but it was several years ago before they changed chefs and concepts. It's a totally different restaurant now, so it qualifies. http://marigoldkitchenbyob.com/
• Memphis Taproom -- Another new joint that has gotten a lot of good publicity. A twist on pub food out in Fishtown. http://www.memphistaproom.com/

"O" is for Oyster House

One of my proudest culinary moments occured at Acme Oyster House in New Orleans the winter before Hurricane Katrina hit. I was there on my own for work purposes and figured I'd give a try to the city's legendary raw bar. Acme was not (I assume it is still in existence, but I don't know for sure) a fancy joint -- the oysters were meaty and drippy and pretty daunting.

On the board behind the shuckers stand was a toteboard listing the restaurant records -- I believe at the time the record was held by a professional eater who downed 175 or so oysters at one sitting. Now, loyal readers, don't be so stupid as think this story is going to be about my challenging his record. I'm not that good. But I was sorta proud of myself when I downed 6, 12, 18, 24, 30, and 36 raw oysters before calling it a day. I admit I was feeling a little queasy once I attacked my third dozen, but I got through the plate and didn't leave any remnants of Bourbon Street.

Which brings up to the latest stop on our tour, Philadelphia's Oyster House. Housed in the space that used to be Sansom Street Oyster House, all similarities end there. This is a totally different restaurant, and thankfully so. SSOH was old, tired, and just played out. Like Bookbinder's, it was one of those places that hit its heydey decades ago and never bothered to update its theme or decor. When I heard that it had been bought out and was being renovated, I was hopeful, though cautious, since I knew how much work had to be done.

Well, kudos to the individuals who did the renovations. Oyster House looks great. It is one of those transformational restaurants that makes you feel like you are not on a gritty downtown street. It sounds hokey, but Oyster House really does feel like a oceanside joint. All that was missing was the crashing of the waves. It helps that the joint was jumping as well, with people of all ages and backgrounds. Especially in the middle of summer, it was surprising to see how packed it was. Now, we were seated immediately at a table for 2 at 8 p.m. on a Friday night so it wasn't "Honey's Sunday brunch" crowded, but there was a lot of noise and a lot of customers. It was a fun place to be.

As for the food, it was good and bordering on very good. As expected, they had a decent selection of oysters. We chose a half-dozen New England a half dozen Virginians. It's hard to mess up quality product when it's served raw, so I pretty much knew these would be good, though they were pricey ($26 for the dozen). The best deal is at Happy Hour when you can get the "house" oysters (read: the cheapest ones on the menu that day) for a buck each.

For our entree, we split what I would call a "kitchen sink bucket for two." It was a whole lobster, mussels, clams, potatoes, and corn on the cob. It was quite a bit of food, though naturally heaviest on the mussels and clams. That said, they didn't chintz on the lobster so I can't complain there. Again, the biggest problem was the price ($53), which isn't awful for dinner for two, but it's not great.

I know the wife really liked the food, and so did I, but I did have to wonder about the value. It was a simple meal without any fancy cooking, which is fine, but I couldn't help wondering how much we were paying for the ingredient and how much we were paying for the renovations.

THE FOOD: I'm not a huge dessert fan, but the peach crumble was great great great. I felt bad that I ate a "shared" dessert with such rapid gusto, but I couldn't help myself.

THE DRINK: The worst part of the meal, by far, was the bloody mary oyster shooter I had. It was essentially a shot of vodka with a drop of tomato juice and a raw oyster at the bottom. It tasted awful.

THE STAFF: Minutes after we sat down, one of the gentlemen at the table next to us said, "My daughter is your waitress. Don't say anything about me being her dad, but I curious what you guys think about her service." Never one to pass up an opportunity for a good laugh, I told our waitress when she came back to our table, "Um, excuse me, but the gentlemen at this table are bothering us. I'd like to see the manager." Everyone got a good laugh out of it. I was proud of myself.

MAD PROPS FOR: The gorgeous raw bar counter. We ate at a normal table, but if I go back, I'll try to sit at the bar. It's huge and really takes up a prominent position in the restaurant. One of the many great renovations to this place.

OVERALL: I think Oyster House is going to do very well. It fills a somewhat unique downtown niche and there are lots of people who really like oysters (although I do know some folks who won't eat them) and I could see the suburban crowds enjoying it a lot, which is always key for Center City restaurants. As I said, especially for Happy Hour, it's a great place and a lot of fun. For dinner, just know it may be a budget buster.

THE CHECK: $125, with tip, for two. Seems like we've been running up quite a tab recently for some of our dinner's out. Good thing we are both gainfully employed and don't have a clothes fetish.

On to the Ps...

Ineligible restaurants for round 16:

• Paradigm -- We had the company holiday party here in January. It's not quite as trendy and up-to-date as some of the other Old City spots, but it's not a bad spot for a drink. I wouldn't eat here.
• Pat's King of Steaks -- I get it. This was the "original" home of the cheesesteak so it's a landmark. But shouldn't it taste better than dirt?
• Pho 75 -- I was in an adventurous mood and tried the tripe pho. Yuck.
• Plough and the Stars -- Another of the loud, crowd, college-age bars in Old City. I have actually eaten here a few times, but it's more a place to go to watch drinken kids falling over.
• Porcini -- One of my favorite Rittenhouse area BYOBs. Very small space, very small menu, but the staff is very friendly and the food is very good. Definitely worth visiting.
• Positano Coast -- I just had a surprisingly excellent meal here as part of a large party. I was worried it would have sort of a chain-like flair, but it was really well done.
• Pumpkin -- One of the formerly-favorite BYOBs. It's been about 2 years since I've been but a friend took a turn as the waitress there and didn't have great things to say about the operation.

Candidates for round 17:

• Palm -- It's where, supposedly, all the political know-it-alls hang out for their power lunches. I'll be sure to wear my bow tie. http://www.thepalm.com/
• Parc -- Last year's trendy new spot near Rittenhouse where all the pretty people hang out. I'll be sure to wear my seersucker suit. www.parc-restaurant.com
• Pink Rose Pastry Shop -- Maybe it's time for dessert? I'll be sure to wear my bib. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/pink-rose-pastry-shop/
• Pura Vida -- No frills BYOB on the edge of Northern Liberties. I'll be sure to wear my sombrero. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/pura-vida/

"N" is for Noble American Cookery

Ring, ring, ring...

"Hallo, Noble American Cookery, zis is Pierre."

"Yeah, hi Pierre. I have reservations with my wife tonight for her birthday and I was hoping there was something small you could do to acknowledge that, like maybe put a candle in the dessert or get the staff to do a song and dance routine. You know, something simple."

"We are bery dizcreet here, sir."

"Um, yeah, I was just kidding about the song and dance routine (uh oh, they are going to spit in our food)."

"Weez try not to interfere with the enjoyment of our other guests."

"Yeah, like I said, it was a joke. A candle will be fine, if that's not too difficult (uh oh, they are going to spit in our food)."

"What name is the reservation under? I will makez a note of it."

"Um, Johnson, yeah, Johnson, party of 12 at 5:30."

Click.

"Phew, that was a close one."

If only I had thought that fast on my feet (looks like those improv lessons went to waste). At it was, Pierre knew exactly who had called, when we were coming from dinner, and how much of a jackass I was. Uh oh.

And so it was that we stepped into Noble with a little bit of trepidation, gave the hostess our name, and were seated upstairs.

Noble truly is a fantastic, airy, well designed space. It was an ambitious project for the owners, without question, and one that certainly has its risks. Noble is perched a few blocks from prime walking territory, and while there are a few theaters on the same block, I don't know how much walk-up foot traffic the restaurant is going to get. And that's a shame, because it really does a dynamite job with its food.

The appetizer was decent (shrimp tostada), the dessert was only iffy (molten chocolate cake with a peanut butter filling and a marshmellow on the side in a too-powerful strawberry sauce), but my meal really turned on my entree. The pan-seared black sable with pea puree and creamy white potatoes was definitely one of the best meals I have had all year.

For whatever reason, I am always drawn toward "black" fish -- black bass, black cod, etc. -- and I really am not entirely sure why. I do know that I had a great black bass in San Francisco last December so perhaps that has something to do with it. Anyway, when they had a black sable (no, it's not a fur coat) on the menu at Noble, I knew it was a definite contender. And when our waitress specifically highlighted it her description (the "pick one of the following three things I am considering" approach worked again), I took a shot.

Thick yet tender, with crispy skin and achingly delicate white meat, the sable was cooked perfectly. I mean, perfectly. I usually find a way to screw up fish like this (almost always undercooked) so I know how difficult it can be to get it right. And the pea puree and potatoes, both artfully presented on the plate, were also great. It was the total package and I made sure to tell our waitress how much I enjoyed it. I didn't even taste the saliva in the food. :)

THE FOOD: The one problem I had with Noble is that it presented its dishes a little too much like art, which made them a little difficult to eat without making a mess. The tostada was a good example. It really was yummy, but it was a little scary cutting into it initially without fearing the whole thing would bounce off the table and into our lap.

THE DRINK: A good beer and wine list. I was still getting over a cold (and still am) so I just stuck to a glass of pinot gris. It was fine, but unmemorable.

THE STAFF: Since we had late reservations (at least for a weeknight), we were one of the last people in the restaurant. We chatted up our waitress quite a bit and found out her life story (girl from California, spent a few years in Missouri, was now in Philly because of her med school boyfriend). She could have done a better job professionally -- I swear she completely disappeared mid-meal for at least 15 minutes (I thought maybe she had quit on the spot) -- but she was a sweet girl so no demerits.

MAD PROPS FOR: The olive bread from Metropolitan bakery. It was excellent. They also have a cool bar downstairs that opens up in the street. Since there is no outdoor sidewalk seating, they were creative with making a space that looks out onto Sansom Street. It'd be fun for drinks on a summer evening.

OVERALL: An excellent job. Alas, not only was there no song and dance routine, but there was also no candle on the dessert. We had to ask them to go back and bring one out. Stupid Pierre -- the French suck.

THE CHECK: Not cheap -- $105 for two. But nothing is too good for my wife, right?

On to the Os...

Ineligible restaurants for round 15:

• Oceanaire -- If you were looking for overpriced seafood, this was the place to go. I kept waiting and waiting for it to go out of business. Finally, a few weeks ago, it shut its doors.
• Old Country Buffet -- I'll admit it. As a teenager, I loved this place. How naive I was.
• Old Nelson -- One of my lunchtime regular hangouts. It's clean, it's efficient, and it's relatively inexpensive.
• Olive Garden -- Everyone loves the Olive Garden. I mean, how can you not (oh, let me give you, let's say, 15 reasons off the top of my head)?
• Osteria -- When it opened, Osteria was the place to eat in Philly and topped most foodies' Top 10 lists. However, as the glow has died down, I don't hear much about Osteria anymore, which leads me to worry about its long-term survival. I'll be curious to go back one day soon to see if they are still busy.

Candidates for round 15:

• Oishi -- Quite an extensive menu at this Newtown enclave. Lots of sushi and non-sushi options, plus hibachi (it's dorky, but it's fun). Their website kicks ass, too. http://eatoishi.com/
• The Orchard Restaurant -- Our second suburban entree for this week up in the Brandywine Valley. It one of the many "we tailor our menu to what's seasonal places" -- no prices on the menu either, which always worries me. http://www.theorchardbyob.com/
• Oregon Diner -- As a rule, I am generally suspicious of diners, but I've driven by this place many times and it's always busy. http://www.oregondinerphilly.com/Welcome.html
• Oyster House -- Formerly the Sansom Street Oyster House, it has reopened after a major renovation and much-needed overhaul. I walked by a few weeks ago and, visually at least, they did a nice job. http://www.oysterhousephilly.com/

"M" is for Meme

OK, boys and girls, here is today's quiz. You ask Waiter X, "What do you recommend?" in a very interested tone. He responds by describing 5 of the 7 dinner items on the menu in detail. Unfortunately, 1 of the 2 he doesn't mention is one of the entrees you were strongly considering ordering. What do you do?

A. Throw caution to the wind and order the entree you wanted anyway
B. Follow his lead and choose only from those dishes he spoke about
C. Leave the restaurant in a huff and scream to all patrons, "I will never come back to this dump! I found mouse droppings in my food."
D. Stare at him blankly until he slithers away to tell the kitchen, "Spit in the food of table 19."

Now I know that one of you probably chose answer C while others may have erred in choosing answer D, but in reality, those choices were both red herrings to distract you. The two logical choices on here are A and B, and it's important to explain why one is right and one is wrong.

As many of you undoubtedly remember from earlier months, "I am not a waiter, I don't want to be a waiter, etc., etc." However, I have read enough about waitering and eaten out enough to understand how "the dance" works. There are some waiters and waitresses who quite frankly I would never ask for their opinion -- it's usually easy to see if they don't care. But for those who do and show some interest in their jobs, it's never a bad idea to ask them for an OVERALL reflection on the menu. It's important not to get too specific -- if you ask, "How is the chicken?", you will almost always get the same reaction, "Good." You need to make them think and then listen carefully to what they have to say. The wait staff usually is pretty good at steering customers toward the better items, although if they recommend the most expensive items without even noting some of the less expensive ones, that's a dead giveaway that they are interested only in a big tip. It's tricky, but it often pays off.

Which brings us to the latest stop on our food tour, Meme.

Located on the corner that used to house Melograno (22nd and Spruce), Meme is a cozy and bright restaurant fighting for its life in the Rittenhouse district. It has a lot going for it -- a great location that draws a lot of food traffic, good early reviews in the press, and a really positive general vibe. It's an interesting menu with a various of appetizers and entrees. Things are sort of all over the map with no real consistent theme, but that's OK. It's all about the execution.

Before our hippy dippy waiter (cool and awesome were his two favorite words) came by to take our order, the wife and I had already pretty much decided on our appetizer of grilled calamari, which turned out OK -- a little bit overcooked, but not terrible. The key selection was going to be the entree. We had already eliminated the swordfish, linguini, and something else I don't remember. That narrowed it down to the steak, skate, duck, and pork chops.

Importantly, though, we didn't lead the waiter along and gave him a chance to offer his opinion on the menu. He specifically noted the swordfish, linguini, duck, and pork chops. That made our choice easy. I got the duck and the wife got the kurobata pork chop (he described it as the Kobe beef of pork chops). And let me tell you, I am glad we listened. Both were excellent.

Duck can be tricky -- it needs to be crispy on the outside and tender in the middle. It was cooked perfectly and paired nicely grits, collard greens, and a port sauce. I don't usually like grits or collard greens, but these both were very good on this dish. The wife's pork chop was even better. I have never had a pork chop that was so tender and flavorful. It was great. The accompanying succotash was also excellent. Really, it was one of the best entrees I have tried in a while. I was actually a bit jealous that I only got a few tastes.

Dessert -- a blueberry panna cotta in a teapot (sort of a thick blueberry yogurt) with a munchkin donut -- was just OK, but that didn't put a damper on the overall meal. It was a welcome change after a recent run of subpar meals.

THE FOOD: To think that we missed probably the most ballyhooed entree on the menu -- the roasted chicken for two (they ran out since they were closing for the July 4th holiday and didn't want to overorder). They even have a random lunch on Thursday only -- fried chicken with a biscuit and a Miller High Life for $12 (or so). Sounds like fun to me.

THE DRINKS: This was one of my main gripes. Meme is the prime BYOB zone, it's the size of a BYOB, looks like a BYOB, but it's not. We had brought a bottle of wine with us (my bad), but figured the $10 corkage fee wasn't worth it. We each got a glass of wine.

THE STAFF: Our waiter was quirky and a bit of an oddball, but I liked that he seemed to enjoy his job and really like the restaurant he was representing. I trusted his guidance and we were rewarded for it.

MAD PROPS FOR: The guy at a table a few down from us who, when a neighboring table asked their waitress, "How are the mussels," he leaned over and told them how great they were. The only thing better than a recommendation from a waiter is one from a unbiased, impartial customer. The mussels did looks extremely cool by the way -- they weren't your traditional steamed mussles, rather they were shelled and then presenting on a sizzling plate.

OVERALL: They are doing a very good job at Meme. The menu is small and, as I said, may look a bit disjointed, but they clearly know what they are doing. I would definitely go back.

THE CHECK: $100 for 2 of us. It's not a cheap place, moreso if you are going to be drinking, so save it for a special occasion.

On to the Ns...

Ineligible restaurants for round 14:

• Nick's Pizza -- The old childhood standby in the Dresher Plaza is, somehow, still going strong. Decent pizza, not bad cheesesteaks, but I used to go for the video games.
• Nineteen (XIX) -- Without question one of the most romantic settings in the city. Just be prepared to pay for it.
• Nodding Head -- Since this is where we ended up on our wedding night post-reception, I'll always have fond memories of this Sansom Street watering hole. But really, it's a great low-key bar, especially when the dart boards are open.
• North by Northwest -- Interesting jazz joint in Mt. Airy. I was only here once, and didn't eat, so I can't vouch for the food, good or bad.
• North 3rd -- Standing out in gastropub central over in Northern Liberties isn't easy. With Standard Tap, Honey's, and loads of other excellent restaurants nearby, I always thought North 3rd needed to step up its game. It's not bad, just not particularly interesting.

Candidates for round 14:

I could be dishonest and allow for voting this round, but the wife has already chosen Noble American Cookery for her birthday meal (http://www.noblecookery.com/) and since it fits into our "N" rotation, that'll be the next writeup. Sorry -- the regular poll will return for the "Os". As a replacement, we have a very special poll for this entry. Oh, and by the way, the wife said she likes receiving cash from her friends and family as gifts. Just in case you weren't sure.

"L" is for Le Virtu

Several wise men throughout history have been quoted as saying, “There is nothing better for the empty stomach than a big bowl of pasta. And nothing worse than a hot dog bought at a gas station convenience store that has been rotating on those weird machines for a month.”

OK, I made that last part up. For that matter, I made up the first part too. But, in my mind, they are both nonetheless true.

I’ve leave the hot dog story alone for now and focus on the pasta. When I go out for Italian food in south Philly, I don’t expect to leave hungry. I’ll almost always order pasta of some sort, and when it is done right, man, it is hard to beat. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. For starters, the pasta can be too stringy or too thick, undercooked or overcooked. And the sauce may be gloppy or gloopy, runny or ruddy.

The funny thing is, it looks so simple. Pasta is basically just flour, eggs, water and salt (I’m sure I’m missing something, but I don’t remember off the top of my head). The problem is that everything must be combined in very exact proportions, cut precisely, and boiled for a precise timeframe. Get anything wrong, and it’s not going to taste right.

Which brings us to our latest stop, Le Virtu, slapped down in the heart of south Philadelphia. It’s a very attractive restaurant, with a spacious, somewhat romantic outdoor patio that is made for eating outdoors in the summertime. The view isn’t great – Linda’s Fold and Wash across the street, I’m sure, does great work, but it sort of kills the mood a little – but Le Virtu has done the best it can with the space is has. As my four trusty readers should know though (yes, we have a new regular reader!), I’m about the food way more than the ambiance.

The verdict there was, well, mixed at best.

The menu really is well put together, with a healthy smattering of appetizers, pastas, and heartier meat dishes. There were quite a number of entrees I considering before settling on the “guitar string” pasta with lamb ragu. For whatever reason, I had it in my head that “guitar string” pasta would be thicker, sort of like linguini. It wasn’t. It was very, very thin pasta.

Fortunately, they did give me a healthy plate of pasta, which was nice because I was starving (our appetizer of grilled shrimp and squid was yummy, but sparse). That’s the best thing I can say though. I ate because I was hungry, not because the dish was particularly outstanding. There was nothing specifically bad about the dish – the pasta was cooked right, the sauce didn’t have any bones it in (I’ve had that problem before), and everything was hot. But there was no real interesting flavors there – I ate because I was hungry and I got down to the bottom of my plate. I will say that the wife’s dish looked a little more promising – it was sort of a bowtie pasta kind of shape with wild mushrooms. Again, though, it was just OK.

Our dessert -- Pizza Dolce – also sounded great on the menu, but it just didn’t come through. The sponge cake was too soft and the filling wasn't anything special. All in all, a very average meal in a very crowded category of Italian restaurants.

On to the full review…

THE FOOD: I was so hungry I would have chowed down on anything edible, but I was still a little disappointed. I have generally had pretty good luck with south Philly Italian joints, but Le Virtu didn’t come through (Get it? It rhymes? Vertu=come through. OK, forget it. I'm tired, OK?)

THE DRINKS: Unlike a large percentage of Philadelphia Italian joints, Le Virtu is not a BYOB. The glass of chardonnay I ordered was awful. I NEVER send back wine, but I considered it. It was that bad.

THE STAFF: There were a lot of waiters and waitresses floating around late on a Sunday night. Some knew more than others. Our main waiter was pretty inexperienced and fumbled over a lot of the specials. He tried, but he just wasn’t very good.

MAD PROPS FOR: The pretty outdoor area. It addition to the patio, there was a well-manicured lawn next door. It was a bit odd as it seemed like they would have annexed it into more seating, but it did help the ambiance.

OVERALL: Eh.

THE CHECK: $80 for a dinner for two. For those prices, I expected better. Pass.

We’ve hit a stumbling block here recently, but there are a lot of places with good reputations on the horizon. Let’s hope for some improvements.

On to the Ms...

Ineligible restaurants for round 13

• Mad Mex -- Really good margaritas and pretty darn good Mexican food near Penn's campus. It sort of has a chain-ish feel, but I have had good times here.
• Mama Palma's -- On my Philly Top 10 list. The best pizza in the city, at least for eat-in places. Don't get take out -- the pizza needs to be eaten right out of the oven.
• Mandarin Garden -- The family "special occasion" Chinese restaurant growing up. It was fine, I guess.
• Marathon Grill -- A great example of a successful chain that knows its appeal. Marathon is great for breakfast, good for lunch, and fine for dinner.
• McDonalds -- All in all, I have probably eaten more at McDonalds than any "restaurant" in the world. I'm not proud of it. I had a think for Chicken McNuggets and McRib sandwiches when I was in middle and high school. And don't get me started on my Filet O' Fish story. Thank God I don't eat here anymore.
• Melting Pot -- I don't get this place. The one time I ate here, it sucked. The format is unique, I guess, and it's a big suburban date place, but don't go for a good meal.
• Meritage -- Very pretty corner spot north of Rittenhouse Square. It's a good destination meal -- not cheap, but good.
• Mixto -- Good booze, bad food.
• Modo Mio -- I really liked this high-end Italian joint in a somewhat sketchy north of Northern Liberties locale. The wife wasn't as crazy about it.
• Morimoto -- One of these days, I would love to try the $100+ omikase tasting menu here. I have read great things about it. The one time I had the off-the-menu dinner, it was good, but not overwhelming. The tableside tofu was a neat touch though.
• Mugshots -- We're here lots of Saturday morning and some Sundays. Good coffee, good muffins, decent bagels. Big crowds though so be prepared to wait in line.

Candidates for round 13:

• Marigold Kitchen -- Admittedly, I have been to Marigold, but it was several years ago before they changed chefs and concepts. It's a totally different restaurant now, so it qualifies. http://marigoldkitchenbyob.com/
• Meme -- There has been a lot of buzz about this Rittenhouse newcomer to the BYOB scene. Want to know what it's all about? http://www.memerestaurant.com/
• Memphis Taproom -- Another new joint that has gotten a lot of good publicity. A twist on pub food out in Fishtown. http://www.memphistaproom.com/
• Mustard Greens -- Not your typical Chinese restaurant. First of all, it's in Queen's Village instead of Chinatown. Secondly, it's a much more diverse menu. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/mustard-greens/

"K" is for Kanella

I like to think of myself as a very open-minded and adventurous eater. I would watch Fear Factor and see the contestants get all grossed out eating bugs or brains or whatever other unsavory items that were placed before them and think "Stop being such a wuss. I could get through this 'challenge' easily."

Of course, I wasn't always this way. Thanks to a suburban upbringing, my impression of "ethnic" restaurants growing up were Chi Chis (Mexican), Olive Garden (Italian), and King Tien/Mandarin Garden/whatever other Americanized name (Chinese). That was pretty much it. I would still try various items probably beyond most teenagers when we went to nicer restaurants -- I was on a duck kick for many years, and it remains one of my favorite dishes when done well, and I distinctly remember ordering snake one time -- but looking back, my palate was limited. And frankly, I probably wouldn't have liked a lot of the ethnic places in the city back then -- it's easy to grow up closed minded to food because that is what you are around and that is what you know. Indian food? Gross! French? Yuck, yuck, yuck. Give me TGI Friday's any day!

Fortunately, as I grew older and burst out of my suburban shell, I recognized that there is more to life than General Tso's chicken, unlimited breadsticks, and bean burritos. One of my favorite things -- if not my absolute favorite thing -- about living in the city is the wealth and diversity of culinary choices. As I hope I have demonstrated in my blog so far this year, you can experience so many different parts of the world within only a few minutes drive that it's a crime not to open your eyes and your mouth to see what is out there, what you truly do like and truly don't like.

However, I have to admit sometimes I am too open minded and have a hard time admitting that there are some foods and some cuisines that I just don't like. Take eggplant for instance. It's a relatively popular vegetable that pops up on so many menus and I know a lot of people enjoy it. So when I kept trying it served in many different ways and as part of many different dishes and constantly said "Ick," I kept figuring it must have been the way it was prepared. It took years to finally recognize, "You know, maybe I just don't like eggplant that much."

So what does all this have to do with our latest stop, Kanella? Well, Greek food is my "eggplant." The wife and I spent our honeymoon in Greece, and while the country and scenary was beautiful, the food was general uninspiring. The best thing I ate was a $2 gyro from a street cart near the beach in Santorini. Everything else was bland, mushy, and just generally uninspiring. But I kept chalking it up to, "Well, the chef here must not have been that good." I went to a Greek place in San Francisco back in November and was equally unimpressed. Obviously, a pattern was forming, but I remained convinced it was the restaurants and not me.

And so I arrived at Kanella with an open mind. I really, really wanted to like Greek food. I mean, I read the menu and it sounded OK so I figured, "Heck, I should like this, right?"

We were greeted by a very cheerful brother and sister team (waiter and hostess) who were really exceptionally friendly and accommodating. They treated us very well and did their best to guide us through the menu to the right choices. Frankly, nothing jumped out at me as a "must have" so I was happy to have some help. I knew from the start that we were going to get the pita with the "dips of the day" -- those are usually among the best bets for the wife and I -- but I was somewhat at a loss for my entree.

I didn't want something boring -- whole fish, steak, or chicken -- so I narrowed my choices to the two most ethnic choices on the menu, the braised rabbit and the goat stew. As I soon as I mentioned my options to our waiter, he didn't hesitate in guiding me toward the goat stew. OK, I was willing to go for it.

It arrived and looked pretty bad -- it just didn't present well. The goat looked like something that might have been floating in the toilet. But I have had some excellent meals that weren't visually appealing -- it doesn't happen often, but it happens. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. There was nothing wrong with how the dish was presented -- the goat was cooked fine, but it just didn't taste like anything. The accompanying beans and vegetables were also OK, but it just didn't excite me. Everything was just so very blah. Especially with a $24 price tag. Alas...

On to the full review...

THE FOOD: Outside of my main course, the pita and dips were yummy. There were three kinds -- hummus with sardine paste, fava beans with parsley, and eggplant (talk about a signal!). I really like salty fish, so the hummus with sardine paste was my favorite, but they were all good. The wife got the moussaka for dinner -- as traditional Greek as it gets -- I tried it and hated it, but she liked it.

THE DRINKS: Kanella is a BYOB. They had an interesting-sounding almond drink on the menu, but I didn't try it.

THE STAFF: As mentioned earlier, the waiter and hostess were both very nice and they tried their best. When I noted to our waiter that I wasn't crazy about the stew, he said, "Guess I should have recommended the rabbit." But he didn't offer to take anything off our bill. Oh well.

MAD PROPS FOR: I must give credit to our waiter for saving me from my own stupidity. We were walking back to the car when I realized I was missing something -- namely, my wallet. I turned around and walked 2 blocks back to the restaurant. Fortunately, our waiter had it in his hands waiting for me. My credit cards were all still there too.

OVERALL: Sadly, I think it's time to swear off Greek restaurants. Kanella may indeed be a worthwhile stop for others -- there was nothing about it that screamed out, "Don't eat here!" -- but it's not for me. One more minor qualm -- the new restaurant across the street that replaced Azul Cantina (our first entry in this series) played very, very loud music and really hurt the overall ambiance on a nice Friday night.

THE CHECK: $62 with tip for the 2 of us. It's not a cheap joint.

On the Ls...

Ineligible restaurants for round 12:

• La Locanda del Ghiotonne -- Hot, bright, loud, and reeking of garlic -- exactly the way a classic Italian restaurant should be. La Locanda has lots of personality and great food. One of my favorite places in the city.
• L'Angolo -- A big reputation that, at least on my night there, didn't quite live up to the accolades.
• Las Bugambillas -- There are a lot of Mexican fusion places in the city that I love; Las Bugambillas doesn't mess with that sort of stuff. It's high-quality, traditional Mexican food. Enchiladas, burritos, etc., with a lot of seafood as well.
• Las Cazuelas -- This Mexican gem on Girard Ave. has quite a following. I like it, don't love it.
• La Viola -- This place did so well that it opened up a sister restaurant across the street with the same name. I'm told the original restaurant is nicer -- I only ate in the loud, crowded neighbor.
• Little Fish -- Easily one of my top 3 favorite restaurants in the city. It is VERY small, but I love the open kitchen, the small menu, and the absolutely fabulous food. It deserves every one of the accolades it has received in recent years.
• L'Oca -- L'Oca is a weird place. Everyone in my neighborhood was very excited when it opened a few years ago, but it hit a rough spot and people soured on it. Yet it has hung in there and I'm hearing better things. Time for a revisit soon.
• Lolita -- Love the BYOT (tequila) concept, hate the surly wait staff.
• London Grill -- One of Fairmount's original gastropubs. London Grill is a nice place to sit outside, have a drink, and order a plate of fish and chips. The higher end fare is not worth the trouble.

Candidates for round 12:

• Le Bec-Fin -- Philadelphia's stalwart, Le Bec-Fin has been the city's culinary anchor on Walnut St. for many, many years. Anyone want to foot the bill? http://www.lebecfin.com/
• Le Virtu -- Not your usual south Philly Italian joint. The restaurant has an interesting mix of pastas and heartier entrees. http://www.levirtu.com/
• Lovash -- A pretty Indian restaurant right in the heart of hipster South Street. I've read mixed things about the food. http://www.lovashindiancuisine.com/
• Ly Michael's -- Upscale Asian food in Chinatown. I'm up for something hot and spicy if you are. http://lymichaelsrestaurant.com/default.aspx