"T" is for 10 Arts

On the night that the wife and I went to 10 Arts, I had just turned 35 years, 7 months, and 8 days old. And while I understand that, for some, time spent in my company is always a reason to celebrate (oh be quiet), I was caught a bit off guard when our waitress brought over my dessert with a candle stuck in the middle and a "Happy Birthday" chocolate on the plate.

Did they confuse our table with another? Was this some awkward mistake? Or did the mischevious wife simply try to play what she deems a humorous joke? Unfortunately for her, it was the latter, which means that sweet revenge will be forthcoming some day soon in some unexpected, vicious manner. It didn't help that our waitress must have said, "Happy birthday, Mr. Kober" at least 10 times before we left.

More likely than not, this encounter is going to be the only thing I remember about 10 Arts, which is dubbed as one of Philadelphia's "celebrity chef" restaurants. Its owner, Eric Ripert, is apparently a big name in the culinary world, with several well-known restaurants in other cities. One of its sous chefs, Jennifer Carroll, is on one of the many chef competitions on TV these days (Top Chef, I believe, though I wouldn't swear to it). With that sort of build-up, I am sure there are some pretty hefty expectations, but this just isn't a destination restaurant.

For starters, the setup of the place is so bizarre. I generally don't like hotel restaurants -- 10 Arts is inside the Ritz Carlton -- because they often feel so stilted. Often, the restaurants are inserted as an after-thought, a "let's see what we can jam into this dead space" kind of concept. That's exactly how 10 Arts feels. It's hard to tell when you walk into the Ritz lobby exactly where 10 Arts starts and where the lobby bar ends. The line separating the two is almost nonexistent. Plus, who wants the noise (and cheesy 80s music blaring overhead) when you are paying pretty hefty prices for a meal?

When we first arrived to the mostly empty restaurant (I'd say maybe 50% of tables were full at prime time on Thursday evening), they first tried sitting up near the invisible line separating the restaurant from the hotel bar. We nixed that and were given a table "behind the curtain" into what was a more defined restaurant space. It was better, but not great.

In addition to their regular menu, 10 Arts has a 3-course, $35 prix fix option. I am always a little bit leery about ordering off of these, as often I suspect the restaurant is simply trying to dump some of its less popular (or more profitable) dishes onto diners. However, since the appetizer I wanted (heirloom corn chowder) was on the menu, as well as one of the entrees I was considering (Pennsylvania trout with baby bok choy), I figured it was the best deal I was going to get.

The first few spoonfuls of the corn chowder were very good -- they didn't skimp on the portions and there were good chunks of corn and potato in there (though no creme fraiche as the menu promised from what I could tell). However, as I ate more and more, the saltiness became overpowering. The wife noticed it immediately and told me so, which may have contributed to my observation. Still, it wasn't bad, just not great.

The entree was another story. Trout, in and of itself, is not incredibly flavorful. It is very much a blue collar fish that needs to be spiced up with accompanying spices, a sauce, a side dish, something. Unfortunately, the trout here, which both the wife and I ordered, was simply that, trout presented on its own. As with the soup, they presented two hearty filets, so they didn't skimp on the portions, but it just wasn't very interesting to eat. The bok choy was drowned in butter -- yuck.

Dessert was the best part of the meal, aside from the surprise happy birthday acknowledgement (thank God they didn't sing). The carrot cake was awesome and they gave us several small bites of other desserts on the side, which was very nice. Alas, they gave us so much lesser food earlier that I couldn't enjoy them as much as I could. Oh well.

On to the detailed review...

THE FOOD: The menu itself at 10 Arts was a pretty big disappointment. With this kind of chef superpower, I was hoping to see entrees prepared in unusual ways, but it was a lot of same old, same old hotel restaurant blah. Steak, chicken, fish, pasta... snooze snooze snooze. Plus, with the prices, it was hard to justify going "off the board" to splurge for a $35 striped bass or bouillabaisse.

THE DRINK: High markups on the wine. I paid $11 for an awful glass of chardonnay.

THE STAFF: Now, if it really had been my birthday, I guess I would have appreciated the efforts of the waitress constantly remarking on that fact. Otherwise, the service itself was OK. One of the busboys looked oddly out of place -- he was dressed differently than most and seemed much older than everyone else -- but nothing else here of note.

MAD PROPS FOR: Not much. I can't say there was too much remarkable about the meal.

OVERALL: 10 Arts reminds me why I generally avoid hotel restaurants. There have been exceptions -- a fantastic place in San Francisco called Ame is inside a boutique hotel -- but generally, I don't expect much from hotel restaurants, especially when they are just jammed in after the fact. Look, the Ritz didn't design itself to house a restaurant on the ground floor from the looks of things (I have no idea what was there before 10 Arts) and putting what is supposed to be a high-end joint there just seems very out of place.

THE CHECK: Not cheap. $125 for the two of us, and we only had one glass of wine and both of us stuck to the prix fix. Definitely not someplace I will be going back to.

Ineligible restaurants for round 20...

• Umai Umai -- I was pretty jazzed when a new sushi place came to our neighborhood, and I didn't dislike it when I tried it. The wife, however, got a little skeeved out by the live eel they were cutting up as we sat there and we haven't been back since. I would go again, though.
• Urban Saloon -- Another local joint, though this is not much of a food place. I have heard that things have gotten better, but it's still a bar first and restaurant second. They do very good business though.

Candidates for round 20

• Union Trust -- Frankly, I am surprised Union Trust is still around as a fighter in the steakhouse wars. I have been told it is gorgeous inside, to align with the prices. http://www.uniontruststeakhouse.com/
• Upstares at Varalli -- I have walked by this Broad Street restaurant many, many times, but have never been in. Perhaps it's because of the stupid way they spell "Upstares." http://www.varalliusa.com/
• Uzu Sushi -- A tiny hole in the wall (less than 20 seats) in a sushi joint with a decent reputation). http://www.uzuphilly.com/
• Umbria -- Fine dining in Mount Airy. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/umbria/

"S" is for Sweet Lucy's Smokehouse

In many parts of the country -- Memphis, the Carolinas, Texas -- barbecue is king. Now, they all have their own internal spats about whose is better -- wet vs. dry rub, tangy vs. smoky -- which can get pretty emotional. I have read plenty about these national barbecue competitions where the competitors rig up some sort of elaborate contraption in which to cook their meat and then break down in tears if they don't win. It's all very macho.

And yet, for all that Philly does well food-wise, it's been mostly a barbecue graveyard. There have been a few mediocre places that have come and gone -- I'm reminded of a place I actually liked in the Symphony House (or thereabouts) that was here and gone within a matter of months. Recently, however, there have been rumblings about real barbecue coming into Center City from real chefs with real reputations. Alas, I'll believe it when I see it.

In the meantime, we're left with some reputable joints dotting the outer ring of the city, such as Sweet Lucy's Smokehouse. It's about a 20-25 minute drive from downtown straight up 95N off the Cottman Ave. exit. It's actually quite easy to find, though not so easy to figure out how to get back on the interstate once you are done eating. Regardless, it's not a whole lot to look at -- it looks sort of like a big warehouse with a parking lot attached.

Inside, it's pretty much no frills as well -- the menu is on a few chalkboards up front to look at before you order. It's pretty much barbecue as you would expect it -- ribs, pork, chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, baked beans, etc. You go up to the counter, put in your order, and wait a few minutes to be called. No waitresses, no frills, no unrealistic costs. And that was all fine with me -- I love myself ribs and pulled pork sandwiches, at least when they are done well. I don't need the fancy frills, just the good food. And Sweet Lucy's proved to be worth the drive.

I fought getting a pulled pork sandwich and ended up splitting a full rack of ribs with the wife. They came with two sides of our choice (we went with mashed sweet potatoes and baked beans). The ribs were not the best I had ever had -- a little too much on the dry side, but they were pretty meaty and slathered with some very good barbecue sauce. The potatoes were OK, as were the beans. The best part of the meal may have been the homemade cornbread -- it was really, really good. Very flaky and buttery. Plus, they gave each of us a big piece. Overall, though, it was hearty, no nonsense barbecue. It wasn't quite on par with my favorite of adulthood -- Dinosaur Barbecue -- that I wrote up months ago, but it was not a bad local substitute. Just proves that leaving the city for a good meal can sometimes be worth it.

On to the full review...

THE FOOD: Not to be nitpicky (OK, to be nitpicky), but tasty side dishes should be a given at a barbecue joint. Especially with core ones like baked beans. As with other barbecue favorites, I love good baked beans (one of my favorite things to make) and Sweet Lucy's just came up a little empty. It didn't detract too much from the overall meal, but it would have been a nice closing touch if they were better.

THE DRINK: Water and soda. It's not a drinking establishment.

THE STAFF: They confused our potatoes initially (I should have picked up on it when I was asked if I wanted gravy with my potatoes, but I wasn't quite swift enough), but they substituted the sweet for the white potatoes without a question. The girl who took our order was nice enough to explain how the menu works to the wife, as well.

MAD PROPS FOR: Two things. First of all, they had a self serve cauldron of extra rib mop sauce that you could use to douse your ribs in if you so desire. And I so desired. Secondly, they had a roll of paper towel on a stand at every table. Look, when you eat barbecue, you are going to get messy. Why bother with dainty napkins? I would have loved wet naps at the end of the meal, but I didn't see any around. Oh well.

OVERALL: Tucked away as it is, it's easy to wonder where Sweet Lucy's gets its business from. Do people drive from the city or is mostly a neighborhood joint? It was hard to tell from the clientele, which was a mix of young and old. If you are a barbecue afficianado, Sweet Lucy's is worth the drive, thought it's not a "OH MY GOD, THIS IS FANTASTIC!" place. It's good, inexpensive, quality, quick food. We were in and out in about 35-40 minutes.

THE CHECK: $28.50 total. That's the upside of no wait staff.

On to the Ts...

Ineligible restaurants for round 19:

• Table 31 -- There was incredible hype around Table 31 when it opened in the Comcast Building a little more than a year ago. I had a very underwhelming meal there and the shine has definitely worn off. I wouldn't be surprised if it shutters its doors one of these days soon.
• Tampopo -- A favorite lunch stop of mine near the office. There are actually at least three branches open now, including one in West Philly. The bi bim bom is excellent.
• Ten Stone -- A step above a dive bar, but not a big step.
• TGI Friday's -- I'm not embarassed to admit that Friday's was gourmet cuisine to me when I was younger.
• Tierra Colombiana -- If you want a pricey meal in a very sketchy neighborhood, Tierra Colombiana is your place. Just don't forget to lock your car doors. And honestly, the food isn't that great either.
• Tiffin -- What an impact Tiffin has had on the Philly delivery scene. Still the best Indian food you can order over the phone and have at your door in an hour or two.
• Tinto -- The second of Jose Garces' gleaming jewels. The layout is odd (definitely sit upstairs) but the food is interesting and yummy.
• Trio -- I have no clue how this Fairmount joint is still open. Really bad location and really mediocre food.
• Twenty Manning -- Perhaps my favorite upscale place for a drink. The chairs are very cool.

Candidates for round 19:

• Taqueria La Veracruzana -- One of a handful of Mexican joints down by the Italian Market with a good reputation. http://www.taqueriaveracruzana.com/
• 10 Arts -- Big name chef Eric Ripert's first entree into Philadelphia near the theatres. http://www.10arts.com/
• Time -- It's known more for its weekend party atmosphere and bizarre drinks. but they also have a relatively ambitous menu. http://www.timerestaurant.net/
• Tony Luke's -- I can't believe I have never eaten at Tony Luke's (not even the one in Citizen's Bank). But can it possibly live up to John's Roast Pork? http://www.tonylukes.com/

"R" is for Restaurant School at Walnut Hill College

When I left the doldrums of the world (sorry Yumans and Decaturites) to move back to Philly going on 8 years ago, one of the first things I wanted to do was the enroll in cooking classes. Now, I was very specific about what I wanted. I didn't want one of those suburban housewife classes where you sit at a counter and watch some surly schmuck cook a meal and then hand out recipes afterward. But I also wasn't about to enroll in an actual culinary school where I would be graded. I wanted a casual, yet instructive, hands-on course.

As I have told many people over the years, the classes I took at the Restaurant School at Walnut Hill College were a perfect choice for me. They weren't necessarily cheap (about $300 for a 6-class series) but they were definitely worth the money. I learned how to debone a chicken, filet a fish, make ravioli, and lots of other very useful skills. Not only that, but the amount of food we ate and took home as leftovers was astounding (as long as you remembered to bring Tupperware).

For all that, though, I had never actually eaten a meal in one of the Restaurant School's working restaurants, even though I had hounded the wife and others for years about it. Finally, on Thursday night, we went.

The Restaurant School has 4 different working restaurants -- an international theme, a Continential theme, an Italian theme, and a Great Chefs theme. The menus are relatively ambitious and the prices are very reasonable. We went to the international restaurant and paid $21 for a 3-course meal. Plus, you will never find wine as cheap as that which exists on the school's wine list -- there were FULL BOTTLES for $15. The average bottle was about $20-25. For someone used to seeing ridiculous 200% markups, it was a striking change.

Now, that said, there is a reason for the affordability. The wait staff are students, the chefs are students -- basically, it is a teaching restaurant. Our waitress was right out of high school and probably had never waited on a table in her life. It's funny how you notice little things rookie waitresses do wrong that you take for granted in "real" restaurants -- forgetting silverware, always sliding the soup bowl onto the floor, failing to check in on the quality of the food while they are receiving instruction from their instructor. These are all things that may be unforgivable (or at least annoying) at a 3-star restaurant, but it's almost cute in this setting.

As for the food? Again, not surprisingly, hit and miss, especially for the first week of the semester. The wife went with the pumpkin soup (yum), hangar steak (yuck), and a red velvet torte (yum). I took chances with the rabbit rilletes (OK, tasted like tuna), monkfish (pretty good), and bread pudding (yum). Frankly, I was expecting to have to send one or more dishes back to the kitchen, but the wife was the only one to have a "return to sender" item when her steak was undercooked.

On to the full review...

THE FOOD: You'd think that, with students manning the kitchen, the menu would be small and simple. Not true. We had 6 appetizers, 6 entrees, and 10 or so desserts to choose from. And that was only in one of the four restaurants (that said, there were all of 4 other customers in all of the restaurants combined on a fall Thursday evening so it's not like the kitchen was slammed). The dishes are not simple to execute so the aspiring chefs presumably are learning techniques. Yes, you are, to some degree, a guinea pig so there is always going to be some trepidation about biting into a new dish, but the wife and I were both fine. It wasn't a great meal by any meals, but it was not awful either.

THE DRINK: I already mentioned the wine list. It really is something to behold. As with the menu, there are lots and lots of options (probably 100+ wines in total), all of which are cheap. We ended up getting 2 glasses of wine, $5.50 each. A whole bottle would barely have been more, but it was a school night so I had to stay somewhat sober. I also got coffee after dinner. It cost $1. That is right -- one dollar. Amazing.

THE STAFF: Our primary waitress, who aspires to "own my own restaurant" was sweet. She's learning. We had a couple other student waiters and waitresses stop by as well. No major issues.

MAD PROPS FOR: The decor. These are really very beautiful spaces, intricately decorated with a very nice ambiance. That said, it was FFFFRRREEEEZING in there. Our waitress informed us that she had been told it's even worse in the wintertime. Bring a jacket I guess.

OVERALL: Hmm, this is a tough one. I mean, you definitely do get value for your money and it's not as if the food was bad, but I don't know that I'd rush back, especially early in a semester. Maybe later in the year when the students are a little more seasoned, I'd be more apt to return.

THE CHECK: $61 for 2, with tip. We were told all customer tips get pooled together and, at the end of the semester, the students all go out for a blowout meal. Not sure how true that is, but it sounded good.

OK, enough with being a nice, patient eater, back to being a demanding, harsh critic. On to the Ss...

Ineligible restaurants for round 18:

• Sabrina's Cafe -- Some people swear by Sabrina's as their go-to brunch spot. After one horrible experience with a hostess, I'll never look at it the same way. Besides, it's no Honey's.
• Salt and Pepper -- Cute, small BYOB in Queen's Village. They seem to have their fair share of these.
• Sang Kee Peking Duck House -- I love my peking duck and this is the best version I've tried in Philly's Chinatown.
• Serrano -- They have a weird deal where if you eat dinner at Serrano, you get preferred seating upstairs for concerts at the Tin Angel. Good thing for the restaurant, because it stinks and there is no reason to go otherwise.
• Silk City -- Hip, diner-like joint in Northern Liberties. Straightforward grease and fat. When you're in the mood...
• Standard Tap -- Perhaps Philly's first gastropub, still a great spot to eat, especially outside on the patio in the summertime. I love that the menu is on chalkboards throughout the restaurant. Cool touch.
• Supper -- Went here for my birthday 2 years ago. Some people really liked it. It was OK, but I haven't rushed back.
• Swanky Bubbles -- Went here for our anniversary this year. We were the only people in the restaurant, and it's not exactly a small place. It was really, really uncomfortable, although I will say the food was yummy.

Candidates for round 18:

• Saute -- One of those many BYOB's in Queen Village opened by the former chef at Alma de Cuba. http://sauteonline.com/
• Shank Original -- This Italian Market stalwart, which used to be called Shank and Evelyn's Luncheonette, has moved to 15th and Sansom. Supposed to a down and dirty joint, just the way I like it. http://www.shanksoriginal.com/
• Simon Pearce on the Brandywine - It's been many years since I have been to West Chester (talk about a suburb that is hard to get to). This is supposed to be one of their best restaurants. http://www.simonpearce.com/CSTM_restaurantsWindsor1.aspx
• Sweet Lucy's Smokehouse -- We'll try another BBQ joint, this one up in the Northeast. Supposed to be top notch. http://www.sweetlucys.com/
  

"Wildcard" is for Memphis Taproom

There are a few things that, in my mind, should be a given when you walk into a restaurant. A host or hostess should acknowledge your presence within a minute or two. Silverware and plates should be clean, or at least close to it. And (this is a big pet peeve) water should be cold, refilled regularly, and be drinkable. What can I say, I drink a lot of water.

Based on this simple final criteria, Memphis Taproom was doomed from the start. Not only was the water warm (not tepid, not lukewarm, I mean, it was warm on a 95-degree evening), not only was there no ice anywhere to be seen in any water glass on any table, not only did our waitress fail to refill our water glasses after our mouths were scalded with a scorched appetizer, but the water tasted disgusting. Fail fail fail.

I had read great things about this hip, upscale pub anchoring the revitalization of Fishtown. The beer selection was good (hard to screw that up) and the menu was, well, different. It was very vegetarian friendly and had some weird sandwiches on it (seitan, anyone?). I wasn't expecting that.

After our grouchy waitress flubbed her description of the menu, the wife and I went first for the deep-fried pickles, one of those "can't miss" offerings I had read good things about. It's weird and it's different, but that's often the best stuff.

Now, I will give our waitress enough credit that she warned us they were incredibly hot and probably shouldn't be eaten without a knife and fork. That was definitely true. Unfortunately, that didn't save my mouth from blistering. Two days later, and I can still feel the remnants of that appetizer. They actually tasted OK for about half a second before my gums started bleeded, but that is hardly consolation. I was panting wanting cold water, but when we finally got our waitress's attention, it was another round of warm Schuykill. Gross.

It didn't get much better. My sandwich, a grilled mushroom grinder with other vegetables and cheese, was 99% bread and 1% substance. Really? It is really that hard to give people their money's worth? I was disgusted. I ate half the sandwich and put the rest aside. "Would you like that wrapped, sir?" "Um, no. I wouldn't feed that to the mouse that rummages through our kitchen from time to time."

Oh well. On to the full review...

THE FOOD: Look, I would understand if the pickles were overdone or the sandwich was sparse or the waitress was a bitch, and then chalk it up to an off night. But I'm sorry, when everything crashes at once, that's the sign of a restaurant I wouldn't ever dare eat at again.

THE DRINK: The beer list was extensive. I guess it'd be OK to drink here.

THE STAFF: "Gee, let's find the most unfriendly, slovenly bitch in the neighborhood and make her the ONLY waitress in the dining area. Yeah, yeah, that'll work."

MAD PROPS FOR: They did have something written on the menu that said something like "If something goes wrong, don't go complaining about it on your blog." I kid you not. Oops.

OVERALL: Hated it. Worse meal of this series. It started pouring rain about 3/4 of the way through our meal. Gee, think that was an omen?

THE CHECK: $42. The tip wasn't exactly generous.

Ineligible restaurants for round 18:

• Radicchio -- Nice, casual, neighborhoody joint. It's a place that is easy to go back to when you live right around the corner (not that I do mind you, but I know someone who does).
• Rae -- There was a lot of buzz about this Daniel Stern creation when it opened in the Cira Centre. The space was gorgeous and the prices matched.
• Raw Sushi & Sake Lounge -- The best sushi in the city. The best men's bathroom in the city. One of the best outdoor lounges in the city. Raw is a definite personal family favorite.
• Rembrandt's -- A Fairmount stalwart, which means I have eaten many meals here. Stick to the Paesano's burger, a healthy beef patty with fries and balsalmic aoili, and you can't go wrong. Veer in other directions and I make no promises.
• Rose Tattoo Cafe -- Such a weird restaurant. It's unbelievably stuck in the '70s and it just so ugly from the exterior. Yuck.
• Roy's -- Chain seafood at its worst.
• Rx -- Cool concept with some good brunch food. Only ate here once, but I liked it.

Candidates for round 18:

• Ralph's -- Perhaps the classic South Philly Italian restaurant. www.ralphsrestaurant.com
• Restaurant School at Walnut Hill College -- As the wife will tell you, I have probably mentioned that I wanted to go to dinner here at least 25 times since we've met, but for whatever reason, plans always fall through. They have a few working restaurants open to the public that are run by students. http://www.walnuthillcollege.com/restaurants2009.asp
• Restaurant M -- Classic French in the Morris House Hotel. Just reopened after a 2-year hiatus. Mainly drinks, but a few snacky type options as well. www.morrishousehotel.com
• Ron's Ribs -- Highly recommended by a man who knows his food as the best BBQ in the city. philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/rons-ribs/

"P" is for Parc

Jack Nicholson sat two tables to our right flanked by not one by two gorgeous twenty-something women (you go, Jack!). Owen Wilson was in the section behind us curiously eating alone (but fending off the advances of numerous scatily-clan clientele). Reese Witherspoon was with her husband and kids eating at the bar (and largely being left alone). Just another night at Parc, the place to be seen in Rittenhouse Square.

Now for everyone who just screamed, "Oh my God, you ate in the company of all of those celebrities! Did you talk to any of them?" you really need to stop being so gullible. None of them were actually in attendance (far as I know). But from all you read about Parc in the papers, it sure seems that they should have been. Next to Davio's, Parc is Philly's leading celebrity magnet, and with the movies currently filming in town, I suspect a lot of people were there on this warm Thursday night hoping to catch a glimpse of stardom. And while I admit my head was on a swivel looking around for a recognizable face or two -- alas, I only saw a local TV talking head buried in the corner of the bar with friends -- I was just hoping for a tasty morsel or two after a lackluster 4 nights in Vegas (talk about overpriced, mediocre food -- thank God I was on the company expense account).

Parc bills itself as an upscale French bistro, and it certainly has attained the proper look. All of the bells and whistles are there -- from the neatly tiled floor to the large streaked windows on the wall, to the general color palate within the restaurant. It's a neat looking place with the added benefit of being on the prime square of real estate in Center City over Rittenhouse Square, which means lots of opportunities to watch the pretty people walk by. The competition for outside tables is pretty fierce -- it was about a 45-minute wait at 8 p.m. on a Thursday night. Since we were pretty hungry, we headed inside, but still got a good spot to see what was going on around us.

Alas, in the words of the wife, the food was "just OK." There are a lot of unique, bold choices on the menu, particularly as far as appetizers are concerned. Escargot, grilled sardines, an onion tart with anchovies, etc. The wife was in a giving mood, and seeing how much I wanted to delve into something different, she let me get the steak tartare with quail's egg. Served with a couple pieces of crunchy bread, it was quite good. Steak tartare really isn't as scary as it sounds -- I don't know how to describe the texture adequately, but while yes, it is raw meat chopped finely, it doesn't taste raw (if that makes any sense). That said, it's not one of those items that I would order just anywhere. You have to have at least a little faith that the quality is going to be there, and at Parc, it was. No qualms from me, and the wife didn't get green gilled after trying it, so that says something.

Unfortunately, the meal took a quick downhill spiral when the entrees came out. I took a shot for the Thursday night special, the rouget en barigoule -- essentially, red mullet in fish stock with artichokes and olives. It was bland, bland, bland. Every bite tasted like wet artichokes, and that's not exactly a wonderful flavor, especially for $28. The wife fared somewhat better with her seared scallops, but they weren't exactly generous with her portion -- three medium-sized scallops for $24.

And that's a lot of my problem with places like Parc. They know they are going to pack in the moneyed folk to gawk and they consequently tend to soak them for every penny with average food. The focus of these places are not necessarily on the flavor, it's on ambiance and romance and design. And that's fine for some folks who like to be whooshed off their feet by their surroundings, but I'd take a shack on the corner with great food anytime over a multi-million dollar venue with just average vittles.

Alas. On to the full details...

THE FOOD: The highlight of the meal was dessert, a carmelized apple tart with vanilla ice cream. It was a little bit hard to eat, but worth every effort. I do have to note some of the weird parts of the menu though that stood out. Most appetizers and entrees were very French, as they should have been, and I can understand throwing a cheeseburger on there for the non-adventurous or the children. But spaghetti bolognese? Really?

THE DRINK: A huge bar means a huge wine list (and of course, huge prices). I had a $11 glass of Bordeaux Blanc from Chateau la Frenelle, which, I must say, was excellent. I could have drank a lot more of it. I'll keep an eye out for it next time I make a Jersey wine run.

THE STAFF: Nothing special. It's a loud, crowded place not really conducive to talking with your waiter about the menu. We didn't have any problems with the staff per se, so I'll reserve much in the way of comment here.

MAD PROPS FOR: I always like seeing how restaurants design their bathrooms and Parc was indeed a bit unique. The walls in the men's room were covered with rather risque pictures of nekkid women -- some of them I looked at and said, "Really?" I understand the art of it all, but some of it was quite provacative. Geez, I sound like a stuffy old man. What I meant to say was, "Awesome! Totally awesome!"

OVERALL: I am not into the whole Rittenhouse Square trio of restaurants -- Rouge, Devon, and Parc. I mean, the views are great and the spaces are huge, but you rarely get what you are paying for (except for the night where I witnessed an impromptu striptease at the bar at Bleu that was quite, um, titilating. Another story for another time). I wouldn't be against going back to Parc for Happy Hour or something, but I'm not interested in another meal there. Sorry, Reese and Owen. You can eat without me.

THE CHECK: $120 for two, with tip. I wuz robbed.

On to the... oh wait, there aren't enough Qs to go around. That means it's time for the wild card round! In the wild card round, we'll bring back some of the "almost" winners from earlier competitions and pit them against each other in the lucky losers bracket. Rules are the same as always -- most votes win.

Since we've been pretty Rittenhouse-centric the last few times out, this entry's choices are all on the inner rings of the city, but not smack dab in the middle. I feel the need to change things up.

Candidates for round 17:

• Cafe de Laos -- In the Thai section of South Philly. A little less bizaare than some of the others nearby. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=31450
• Earth Bread + Brewery -- A new gastropub in Mount Airy that has gotten some good pub. http://earthbreadbrewery.com/
• Marigold Kitchen -- Admittedly, I have been to Marigold, but it was several years ago before they changed chefs and concepts. It's a totally different restaurant now, so it qualifies. http://marigoldkitchenbyob.com/
• Memphis Taproom -- Another new joint that has gotten a lot of good publicity. A twist on pub food out in Fishtown. http://www.memphistaproom.com/

"O" is for Oyster House

One of my proudest culinary moments occured at Acme Oyster House in New Orleans the winter before Hurricane Katrina hit. I was there on my own for work purposes and figured I'd give a try to the city's legendary raw bar. Acme was not (I assume it is still in existence, but I don't know for sure) a fancy joint -- the oysters were meaty and drippy and pretty daunting.

On the board behind the shuckers stand was a toteboard listing the restaurant records -- I believe at the time the record was held by a professional eater who downed 175 or so oysters at one sitting. Now, loyal readers, don't be so stupid as think this story is going to be about my challenging his record. I'm not that good. But I was sorta proud of myself when I downed 6, 12, 18, 24, 30, and 36 raw oysters before calling it a day. I admit I was feeling a little queasy once I attacked my third dozen, but I got through the plate and didn't leave any remnants of Bourbon Street.

Which brings up to the latest stop on our tour, Philadelphia's Oyster House. Housed in the space that used to be Sansom Street Oyster House, all similarities end there. This is a totally different restaurant, and thankfully so. SSOH was old, tired, and just played out. Like Bookbinder's, it was one of those places that hit its heydey decades ago and never bothered to update its theme or decor. When I heard that it had been bought out and was being renovated, I was hopeful, though cautious, since I knew how much work had to be done.

Well, kudos to the individuals who did the renovations. Oyster House looks great. It is one of those transformational restaurants that makes you feel like you are not on a gritty downtown street. It sounds hokey, but Oyster House really does feel like a oceanside joint. All that was missing was the crashing of the waves. It helps that the joint was jumping as well, with people of all ages and backgrounds. Especially in the middle of summer, it was surprising to see how packed it was. Now, we were seated immediately at a table for 2 at 8 p.m. on a Friday night so it wasn't "Honey's Sunday brunch" crowded, but there was a lot of noise and a lot of customers. It was a fun place to be.

As for the food, it was good and bordering on very good. As expected, they had a decent selection of oysters. We chose a half-dozen New England a half dozen Virginians. It's hard to mess up quality product when it's served raw, so I pretty much knew these would be good, though they were pricey ($26 for the dozen). The best deal is at Happy Hour when you can get the "house" oysters (read: the cheapest ones on the menu that day) for a buck each.

For our entree, we split what I would call a "kitchen sink bucket for two." It was a whole lobster, mussels, clams, potatoes, and corn on the cob. It was quite a bit of food, though naturally heaviest on the mussels and clams. That said, they didn't chintz on the lobster so I can't complain there. Again, the biggest problem was the price ($53), which isn't awful for dinner for two, but it's not great.

I know the wife really liked the food, and so did I, but I did have to wonder about the value. It was a simple meal without any fancy cooking, which is fine, but I couldn't help wondering how much we were paying for the ingredient and how much we were paying for the renovations.

THE FOOD: I'm not a huge dessert fan, but the peach crumble was great great great. I felt bad that I ate a "shared" dessert with such rapid gusto, but I couldn't help myself.

THE DRINK: The worst part of the meal, by far, was the bloody mary oyster shooter I had. It was essentially a shot of vodka with a drop of tomato juice and a raw oyster at the bottom. It tasted awful.

THE STAFF: Minutes after we sat down, one of the gentlemen at the table next to us said, "My daughter is your waitress. Don't say anything about me being her dad, but I curious what you guys think about her service." Never one to pass up an opportunity for a good laugh, I told our waitress when she came back to our table, "Um, excuse me, but the gentlemen at this table are bothering us. I'd like to see the manager." Everyone got a good laugh out of it. I was proud of myself.

MAD PROPS FOR: The gorgeous raw bar counter. We ate at a normal table, but if I go back, I'll try to sit at the bar. It's huge and really takes up a prominent position in the restaurant. One of the many great renovations to this place.

OVERALL: I think Oyster House is going to do very well. It fills a somewhat unique downtown niche and there are lots of people who really like oysters (although I do know some folks who won't eat them) and I could see the suburban crowds enjoying it a lot, which is always key for Center City restaurants. As I said, especially for Happy Hour, it's a great place and a lot of fun. For dinner, just know it may be a budget buster.

THE CHECK: $125, with tip, for two. Seems like we've been running up quite a tab recently for some of our dinner's out. Good thing we are both gainfully employed and don't have a clothes fetish.

On to the Ps...

Ineligible restaurants for round 16:

• Paradigm -- We had the company holiday party here in January. It's not quite as trendy and up-to-date as some of the other Old City spots, but it's not a bad spot for a drink. I wouldn't eat here.
• Pat's King of Steaks -- I get it. This was the "original" home of the cheesesteak so it's a landmark. But shouldn't it taste better than dirt?
• Pho 75 -- I was in an adventurous mood and tried the tripe pho. Yuck.
• Plough and the Stars -- Another of the loud, crowd, college-age bars in Old City. I have actually eaten here a few times, but it's more a place to go to watch drinken kids falling over.
• Porcini -- One of my favorite Rittenhouse area BYOBs. Very small space, very small menu, but the staff is very friendly and the food is very good. Definitely worth visiting.
• Positano Coast -- I just had a surprisingly excellent meal here as part of a large party. I was worried it would have sort of a chain-like flair, but it was really well done.
• Pumpkin -- One of the formerly-favorite BYOBs. It's been about 2 years since I've been but a friend took a turn as the waitress there and didn't have great things to say about the operation.

Candidates for round 17:

• Palm -- It's where, supposedly, all the political know-it-alls hang out for their power lunches. I'll be sure to wear my bow tie. http://www.thepalm.com/
• Parc -- Last year's trendy new spot near Rittenhouse where all the pretty people hang out. I'll be sure to wear my seersucker suit. www.parc-restaurant.com
• Pink Rose Pastry Shop -- Maybe it's time for dessert? I'll be sure to wear my bib. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/pink-rose-pastry-shop/
• Pura Vida -- No frills BYOB on the edge of Northern Liberties. I'll be sure to wear my sombrero. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/pura-vida/

"N" is for Noble American Cookery

Ring, ring, ring...

"Hallo, Noble American Cookery, zis is Pierre."

"Yeah, hi Pierre. I have reservations with my wife tonight for her birthday and I was hoping there was something small you could do to acknowledge that, like maybe put a candle in the dessert or get the staff to do a song and dance routine. You know, something simple."

"We are bery dizcreet here, sir."

"Um, yeah, I was just kidding about the song and dance routine (uh oh, they are going to spit in our food)."

"Weez try not to interfere with the enjoyment of our other guests."

"Yeah, like I said, it was a joke. A candle will be fine, if that's not too difficult (uh oh, they are going to spit in our food)."

"What name is the reservation under? I will makez a note of it."

"Um, Johnson, yeah, Johnson, party of 12 at 5:30."

Click.

"Phew, that was a close one."

If only I had thought that fast on my feet (looks like those improv lessons went to waste). At it was, Pierre knew exactly who had called, when we were coming from dinner, and how much of a jackass I was. Uh oh.

And so it was that we stepped into Noble with a little bit of trepidation, gave the hostess our name, and were seated upstairs.

Noble truly is a fantastic, airy, well designed space. It was an ambitious project for the owners, without question, and one that certainly has its risks. Noble is perched a few blocks from prime walking territory, and while there are a few theaters on the same block, I don't know how much walk-up foot traffic the restaurant is going to get. And that's a shame, because it really does a dynamite job with its food.

The appetizer was decent (shrimp tostada), the dessert was only iffy (molten chocolate cake with a peanut butter filling and a marshmellow on the side in a too-powerful strawberry sauce), but my meal really turned on my entree. The pan-seared black sable with pea puree and creamy white potatoes was definitely one of the best meals I have had all year.

For whatever reason, I am always drawn toward "black" fish -- black bass, black cod, etc. -- and I really am not entirely sure why. I do know that I had a great black bass in San Francisco last December so perhaps that has something to do with it. Anyway, when they had a black sable (no, it's not a fur coat) on the menu at Noble, I knew it was a definite contender. And when our waitress specifically highlighted it her description (the "pick one of the following three things I am considering" approach worked again), I took a shot.

Thick yet tender, with crispy skin and achingly delicate white meat, the sable was cooked perfectly. I mean, perfectly. I usually find a way to screw up fish like this (almost always undercooked) so I know how difficult it can be to get it right. And the pea puree and potatoes, both artfully presented on the plate, were also great. It was the total package and I made sure to tell our waitress how much I enjoyed it. I didn't even taste the saliva in the food. :)

THE FOOD: The one problem I had with Noble is that it presented its dishes a little too much like art, which made them a little difficult to eat without making a mess. The tostada was a good example. It really was yummy, but it was a little scary cutting into it initially without fearing the whole thing would bounce off the table and into our lap.

THE DRINK: A good beer and wine list. I was still getting over a cold (and still am) so I just stuck to a glass of pinot gris. It was fine, but unmemorable.

THE STAFF: Since we had late reservations (at least for a weeknight), we were one of the last people in the restaurant. We chatted up our waitress quite a bit and found out her life story (girl from California, spent a few years in Missouri, was now in Philly because of her med school boyfriend). She could have done a better job professionally -- I swear she completely disappeared mid-meal for at least 15 minutes (I thought maybe she had quit on the spot) -- but she was a sweet girl so no demerits.

MAD PROPS FOR: The olive bread from Metropolitan bakery. It was excellent. They also have a cool bar downstairs that opens up in the street. Since there is no outdoor sidewalk seating, they were creative with making a space that looks out onto Sansom Street. It'd be fun for drinks on a summer evening.

OVERALL: An excellent job. Alas, not only was there no song and dance routine, but there was also no candle on the dessert. We had to ask them to go back and bring one out. Stupid Pierre -- the French suck.

THE CHECK: Not cheap -- $105 for two. But nothing is too good for my wife, right?

On to the Os...

Ineligible restaurants for round 15:

• Oceanaire -- If you were looking for overpriced seafood, this was the place to go. I kept waiting and waiting for it to go out of business. Finally, a few weeks ago, it shut its doors.
• Old Country Buffet -- I'll admit it. As a teenager, I loved this place. How naive I was.
• Old Nelson -- One of my lunchtime regular hangouts. It's clean, it's efficient, and it's relatively inexpensive.
• Olive Garden -- Everyone loves the Olive Garden. I mean, how can you not (oh, let me give you, let's say, 15 reasons off the top of my head)?
• Osteria -- When it opened, Osteria was the place to eat in Philly and topped most foodies' Top 10 lists. However, as the glow has died down, I don't hear much about Osteria anymore, which leads me to worry about its long-term survival. I'll be curious to go back one day soon to see if they are still busy.

Candidates for round 15:

• Oishi -- Quite an extensive menu at this Newtown enclave. Lots of sushi and non-sushi options, plus hibachi (it's dorky, but it's fun). Their website kicks ass, too. http://eatoishi.com/
• The Orchard Restaurant -- Our second suburban entree for this week up in the Brandywine Valley. It one of the many "we tailor our menu to what's seasonal places" -- no prices on the menu either, which always worries me. http://www.theorchardbyob.com/
• Oregon Diner -- As a rule, I am generally suspicious of diners, but I've driven by this place many times and it's always busy. http://www.oregondinerphilly.com/Welcome.html
• Oyster House -- Formerly the Sansom Street Oyster House, it has reopened after a major renovation and much-needed overhaul. I walked by a few weeks ago and, visually at least, they did a nice job. http://www.oysterhousephilly.com/