"B" is for Branzino

I have never been a waiter. I never want to be a waiter. I would be too honest and tell people how I really felt when they said, "So how is the pan-seared liver special with roasted tomatoes? That sounds kind of weird." Really, though, I wish there were more waiters who wouldn't blow sunshine up customers' rumpuses just to protect their job and their chef.

Which brings me to the latest stop on our tour, Branzino, located on 17th St. between Locust and Spruce. Here are some of the lines our waiters tried on it. I'm embarassed to say I fell for a few of them:

• "We have an extra special appetizer tonight..." I got it, even after I asked him "What makes it extra special?" and he gave me a really lame answer.
• "You guys are in luck! Our chef usually goes around during the afternoon and buys fresh items from local stores, but since it was so cold today, he didn't leave the kitchen and he's been cooking all day!" I still haven't figured out how exactly that made us lucky, but whatever.
• "I am in charge of making the 40 shots of espresso for the tiramisu every day. I always know I need to be on time or else I'd have to buy them at Starbucks!" Uh huh, sure. Whatever ass canoe.

And there were more. Our waiter wasn't any more misleading than most others, and I do think he was trying to be friendly, but his "advice" stunk. That "extra special appetizer" was pan seared sardines with a basilish sauce. All of the flavor was cooked out of the sardines -- it was incredibly bland. And that was just the beginning...

Here is the rundown on Branzino:

THE FOOD: Branzino's menu is pretty large, especially considering the size of the space. We stuck to the "extra special" sardine appetizer and each got a pasta dish. The wife got green and white pasta with shrimp and other stuff, which was quite good and had a little kick. It was easily the best thing we had.

I chose the gnocchi in tomato sauce. Now I really like gnocchi, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to make it properly. The two times I tried, it ended up in the trash. So I can appreciate when gnocchi is done well. But this wasn't done well. The gnocchi themselves were fine and pretty light, but they were drowned in the tomato sauce and the "fresh" mozarella on top of them was ice cold. Our waiter didn't seem to get the hint when he asked us how our food was and I commented that, "My wife's dish was good." Oh well. The three layer chocolate cake for dessert was OK, but certainly not the orgasmic, decadent treat our waiter was promising.

THE DRINKS: It's a BYOB, which is great, but if you are going to put our bottle in a bucket of ice on the other side of the room, I don't want to have to ask the busboy to refill my glass.

THE DECOR: Gaudy, stodgy, and old. Just like the majority of our dining companions in the restaurant. I hated the look of the place. I'm all for romantic, and I think that is what they were trying to go for, but I didn't get it.

THE STAFF: I've said enough I think. And really fella, a 2-foot long pony tail? Yuck yuck yuck.

MAD PROPS FOR: The bathroom was heated (which meant a lot on a freezing night) and spacious. They say you can tell a lot about how clean a restaurant is based upon their bathroom. No complaints here.

OVERALL: I had high hopes. It was a Wednesday night, the restaurant was not even half full, and the chef "had been cooking all day" (Whoopie!) Aside from the wife's dinner, which again, really was quite good, I was underwhelmed. Plus, it's a weird setup with a split dining room and gaudy mirrors and artwork. I got the sense in talking to our waiters that they get a lot of older regulars and that's who they sort of cater to. That's all good, but that ain't me.

THE CHECK: $72 with tip. Could have been worse.

Quick update on "A is for Azul Cantina": The day my "review" went up, they announced they had sold the place. Let's hope this isn't a harbinger of things to come (or in some cases, I guess let's hope that it is a harbinger of things to come).

One small change to the evolving blog -- below the list of "ineligibles," I included very brief descriptions of the restaurants being voted on, along with links to their menus (no idea how outdated these may be). It was suggested that this would help people who didn't want to just vote blind (although go ahead and keep voting blind for all I care).

Ineligible restaurants for Round 3:

• Cafe Estelle -- Not a bad brunch backup.
• Cafe Spice -- Been around for a while and not exactly sure why. It is in a great location in Old City, has a great space, but the food is nothing special.
• Capogiro -- Not a restaurant per se, but one of Philly's food gems. Always interesting flavors of gelatos and they are not pushy at all. You can try as much as you like before ordering.
• Caribou Cafe -- Another great space, great layout, and even a great concept (Creole), but this never quite clicks the way it should. It's never bad, but it's not a showstopper.
• Carmine's Country Kitchen -- I like how this is called "Philadelphia's only R-rated restaurant." If you haven't sat outside at the table set up in the bed of the pickup truck in from of the restaurant for Sunday brunch, do it once. It's fun. And, oh, it's R-rated, I guess, because they claim to "Have put the (ahem) 'count' in 'country."
• Cheesecake Factory -- The definition of suburban hell. When you ask the hostess, "How long is the wait for a party of 4?" and she responds, "Wednesday," that means YOU NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!
• Chloe -- A very pretty restaurant that knows what it is and what it does well. It's another of those small BYOBs that can be hard to miss, but it's worth trying.
• Cin Cin -- One of several restaurants I like on Germantown Ave. in Chestnut Hill. I've had some weird experiences with servers here, but it's solid gourmet-ish Chinese food.
• City Tavern -- Ugh. I understand that this is a place for tourists, but it just isn't worth it.
• Cochon -- Not for the faint of heart. If you enjoy weird cuts of meat that make your wife say "Ew!!!", Cochon is your kind of place. If you think sweetbreads have flour and sugar in them, well, stay away.
• Continental -- Stephen Starr's original, Continental (and Continental Midtown) is still one of the best summertime restaurants in the city. The menu is fun, yet interesting.
• Copper Bistro -- One of the many reasons to like Northern Liberties. Open kitchen (big plus), limited menu (another plus), and tight quarters (not a plus). Copper is probably one of my top 20 places for dinner in the city.
• Creperie Beau Monde -- I was down on this place, but my shrimp crepe the last time I ate here was excellent.
• Crown Fried Chicken -- I know it's gross, but it always smells so good.
• Cuba Libre -- Another fave of suburbanites that markets itself well. Lots of pretty people in the summertime, but I don't love love love it the way others do. I've had good meals, but it's just too much for me.

Candidates for Round 3:

• Cafe de Laos -- In the Thai section of South Philly. A little less bizaare than some of the others nearby. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=31450
• Caffe Casta Diva -- Small Italian BYO near Rittenhouse. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=39262
• Chez Colette -- In the Sofitel Hotel, where the wife and I stayed on our wedding night. High-end French food. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails.asp?areaid=0&restaurantid=31453&neighborhoodid=0&cuisineid=0
• Cucina Forte -- As South Philly as it gets. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=31810