"D" is for Divan Turkish Kitchen

There were a lot of memorable moments on the wife and I's honeymoon to Greece -- beautiful scenery, cool island towns, and nice people. But the food wasn't at the top of the list. Forget the fact that the wife got an acute case of food poisoning (which may have been caused in part by her allergy to lamb, which we just discovered) that laid her up for a day -- the rest of our meals weren't anything special. Outside of the cheap gyros at the street vendor, I can't honestly remember one meal that stood out. We did see the "house cat' throw up about 10 feet next to us at one restaurant in Athens, but that's not exactly a good memory. Greek food, in Greece at least, entailed a lot of lamb, runny moussaka, stringy spanikopota, eggplant, pita and hummus, and some boring desserts.

Looking over the menu at Divan Turkish Kitchen, located in a really fast changing neighborhood (for the better) near Graduate Hospital, reminded me somewhat of those Greek restaurants we sampled about two years back, but I was hoping the execution would be a bit more refined and the ingredients a bit more interesting. Sadly, it was mostly a bland reminder of times past.

Turkey is separated from Greece by the Meditarranean Sea (but of course, I'm sure you all already knew that) so the food is pretty similar, as the menu at Divan Turkish Kitchen proved. There were a lot of lamb dishes, with a couple of chicken, fish, and vegetarian dishes thrown in. The appetizers -- the clear highlight of the night -- featured a bevy of different salads with a number of different consistencies and flavors. Coupled with the warm, sesame bread, which was very good, I could have, and probably should have, made a meal just of these. Sadly, things went downhill quickly after our appetizer place.

Our waiter -- a low-talker to the extreme -- sucked. His recommendations sucked. His knowledge of the menu sucked. His fish filleting technique sucked. The only good thing I can say about him is that he didn't rush us out of the restaurant after we finished eating.

On to the full rundown of Divan Turkish Kitchen:

THE FOOD: You have to at least try to make dishes look appetizing. Good flavor is 75% taste and 25% visual appeal. My entree looked gross -- just a huge pile of meat with a gigantic glop of yogurt sauce. It tasted OK, but the portion side was way, way too much and it was just unattractive. The other entrees at our table -- lamb chops, a whole fish filleted (more accurately, butchered) "tableside" (not really, but more on that later), and an eggplant puree with chopped chicken -- all looked and tasted much better. The dessert -- sort of a baklava cousin with shredded filo dough called katafi (the wife was convinced it was Shredded Wheat) -- looked nice, but it was lousy. All in all, not good.

THE DRINKS: Our waiter recommended that we try the "house special" yogurt drink. He claimed it would be refreshing. It was poured from a giant container and it was absolutely disgusting. I will say our waiter was honest in telling us it would taste like plain yogurt. I'm just not sure why that was supposed to be a good thing. My post-meal Turkish coffee was yummy after I added a packet of sugar.

THE DECOR: Divan Turkish Kitchen isn't well marked, but it is a very nice building and a very pretty space. If it weren't for the ethnic music, though, it could have been an Italian or French restaurant -- they haven't done much to make it seem authentic.

THE STAFF: Need I say more? Our waiter brought the salad on a tray and explained what they all were except one. We asked him what that last one was and he replied, "Gee, I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. I don't know." At least, I think that is what he said -- we could barely understand him he talked so softly. But that's not even my favorite story. When describing the menu, he said that the whole fish would be "filleted by him tableside" so when the mom ordered the whole branzino, I was looking forward to checking out his skills. He brought the fish on a plate to our table, showed it to us, and then turned around and went back to the bar for his "tableside filet." Seeing him struggle with it, I guess I understood why he didn't want to embarass himself in front of everyone, but it was just strange. Fileting a whole fish isn't rocket science, ass canoe.

MAD PROPS FOR: On a cold night, they gave me a seat right on top of a heating vent. Much appreciated. It brought back childhood memories of cozying up to the vents to try to raise my body temperature above 32 degrees F.

OVERALL: Disappointing. While others enjoyed their food (the dad had lamb chops that looked a bit puny, but he claimed they were good), mine was a major letdown. More than anything else, the presentation of my entree killed things. It just looked disgusting, even if it didn't taste that bad.

THE CHECK: $120 for 4 of us, without tip.

January's summary: We managed to hit the first four restaurants on our journey, which puts us ahead of pace at this point. One very good (Cucina Forte), one pretty good (Azul Cantina), and two pretty bad choices (Branzino, Divan Turkish Kitchen). But I think I've proven, for those who didn't already know, that it takes a lot to impress me from a food perspective. I suspect this good:bad ratio is about the way things will stay, though I can hope for better down the line.

On to the "Es"...

Ineligible restaurants for round 5:

• Effie's: I have heard a few people grumble about Effie's, but it used to be one of my regular spots. They have a weird setup with a separate building in the back, but that is definitely the coolest place to sit.
• El Azteca: I have co-workers who love El Azteca, but I hate it. Cheap Mexican food, but beware the consequences.
• El Vez: Stephen Starr started the rejuvination of this pocket near Broad St. with this bright, energetic spot. The margaritas and guacamole are good -- the rest, you are paying for the show and the, ahem, scenery.
• Ernesto's 1521 Cafe: Not bad, but nothing special about this Italian joint near the Kimmel Center.
• Eulogy Belgian Tavern: Among my current favorites for reasonable, reliable vittles, the beer list is huge and the sandwiches are good, but not great. It's got a cool vibe about it.

Candidates for round 5:

• Estia: High-end Greek food near the Kimmel Center. Dare we give another shot at Meditarranean cuisine? http://www.estiarestaurant.com/
• Earth Bread + Brewery: A new gastropub in Mount Airy that has gotten some good pub. http://earthbreadbrewery.com/
• Ekta: From the original chef at Tiffin, our favorite place for Indian takeout: http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=54407.
• Erawan: I admit I never even heard of this Thai place near Rittenhouse Square. http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurantdetails?restaurantid=28430

One more thing: I see that Craig LaBan is reviewing Little Fish in the Inky next Sunday. It's always a bit of a push-pull when you see one of your favorite "unknown" spots thrust into the spotlight. You like to see what "an expert" thinks, but you also are fearful that the review will be so good that you won't be able to get in without reservations a month in advance. Little Fish is one of my Top 3 or 4 favorite restaurants in the city and I'm going to hazard a guess that the review is going kick ass (I've read some rumblings to that extent). We shall see though...